November 5

"Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012." –Craig Ferguson

"The CNN election coverage was constantly being interrupted by text messages from Brett Favre. Then the commentator would say,’ There’s a big swing to the right in Minnesota.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson

"In Washington today volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild." –David Letterman

"Pundits say Christine O’Donnell’s political career may be over, but she still has six months as a punchline." –David Letterman

"Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time." –David Letterman

"Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can’t find anybody to clean her house." –Jay Leno

"Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That’s a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there." –Jay Leno

"The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether." –Jimmy Kimmel

"John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation." –Stephen Colbert

"John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." –Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn

"Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers." – Jon Stewart, on America's priorities

"In Jackson County, WV, machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate “Error 404 Page Not Found” is headed to the House of Representatives." – Stephen Colbert

"In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint." – Stephen Colbert

"In an interview on 'Entertainment Tonight' this week, Mary Hart was told by Sarah Palin she may run in 2012 if there was no one to do it. That's not how you run for President. That's how you offer to babysit." –Seth Meyers

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno