December 22

"You wouldn't know it in Los Angeles, but it's freezing in much of the country, with temperatures in the 20s in parts of Florida. I don't know how she did it, but the whole country has turned into 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying 'Some things are supposed to be private.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them." –Jay Leno

"The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, 'Dances With Republicans.'" –Jay Leno

"A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India." –Jay Leno

"On his last show, Larry King told Bill Clinton they were both members of the Zipper Club because they both had open heart surgery. Clinton was, "Uh, yeah, that's why I'm a member of the Zipper Club..." –Jimmy Fallon

"The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is NOT a cancer threat after all. Or as I'll be reporting the story 10 years from now, 'The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is definitely a cancer threat after all.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican." –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It's not helping that the only song they sing is Journey's 'Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won't deliver them, they'll just handle them." –David Letterman

"In Abu Dhabi, there's an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we're paying far too much for gas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obamas had their dog, Bo, sign their Christmas card this year with a paw print. But Bo only agreed to do it after Obama agreed to extend the Bush-era treats policy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question: How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?" –Jimmy Fallon