December 3

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A special thanks to our audience tonight. You must really hate your relatives to come down here on Thanksgiving Day. The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days worth of food in one day." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision – she's already planning to refudiate it." –Jay Leno

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President?" –Jimmy Fallon

"George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box" –David Letterman

"Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" –Jay Leno

"North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama." –Jay Leno

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence." –Craig Ferguson

"According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer." –Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'" –Jay Leno

"Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found this out on WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"The name 'WikiLeaks' doesn't sounds like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here." –Jay Leno

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years." –Conan O'Brien