"The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?" –Jimmy Kimmel
The court ruled that corporations should be given the same right to free speech as people, which is — I mean, corporations are not people, and if they were people, they’d be real jerks." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I just want to mention, if anybody wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I'll go. I'll walk home. To Brooklyn. I'm just putting that out there. That's a lot of money. I hear Haiti is trying to figure out how to get fired by NBC." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I thought about something today. Over the years I've made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here's the messed up thing, they all still have shows." –Conan O'Brien
"Well, this is pretty sleazy. According to Edwards' former aide, a guy named Andrew Young, he says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do a DNA test. Apparently, the test shows that both the diaper and John Edwards were full of crap." –Jay Leno
"Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe now: Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?" –David Letterman
"But you know the Democratic candidate, was like, two weeks ago, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it. Here’s what happened. Apparently, she put in the Patriots defense." –David Letterman
"During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"As I'm sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. There's a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him." –Jay Leno
"Actually, John Edwards said today he's going to help raise the little girl. He said he's looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products." –Jay Leno
"And learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down. It's the other way. He seems to be very confused." –Jay Leno
"Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They're going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W. was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he's always, like, two weeks late." –Jay Leno
"More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" -Jay Leno
"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." -Jay Leno
"That's an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work." -Jay Leno
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
January 22
"Now, there's a rumor. This came out today. There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for three years. That's what they say. Yeah, my response to that is, if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC. It's like I'll be in the witness protection program." –Conan O'Brien
"Time sure does fly, though. It's crazy to think about this. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first 'Tonight Show' is now a slightly larger baby?" –Conan O'Brien
"Now, my future is, well, it's pretty uncertain right now, and this is absolutely true, I'm not making this up. I received a letter from the adult film company Pink Visual, offering me a role in one of their porno movies. That's true. That's absolutely true. It's great, yeah. In the movie, I'd be having sex with a beautiful woman, and just as we're about to climax, I get replaced by Jay Leno." –Conan O'Brien
"It's been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's airport watch list because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So, it's been a really bad week for little Skippy bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Well, in a statement today, Fox said if Palin does a good job, they'll sign her to a longtime contract. If she doesn't work out, they'll just blame Leno. That's what they said." –Jay Leno
"As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They're really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden's name was put on the do-not-fly list." –Jay Leno
"Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and the trouble they're having with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman
"Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry." –David Letterman
"The latest NBC news, if you're interested is, not only will Conan O'Brien be replaced by Jay Leno of the 'Tonight Show,' possibly as soon as after next week is the rumor, Jay Leno also gets custody of Conan's youngest child. He had a really bad contract." " –Jimmy Kimmel
"Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f**k he wanted." –Jon Stewart
"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." –Jon Stewart
"The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that's a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let's appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that'll work." –Jay Leno
"According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress." –Jay Leno
"According to The New York Times, an 8-year-old boy is on the terrorism watch list because he has the same name as someone on the no-fly list. His mom says he's been on the no-fly list since he was 2 years old. But to be fair, how many fliers would like to see all 2-year-olds on the no-fly list?" –Jay Leno
"Did you know this? NBC has a new slogan. This is true. And the slogan is 'More Colorful.' Yeah. They may be telling the truth, because they're about to get rid of the whitest guy on television." –Conan O'Brien
"First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn't let her daughters watch the show 'Jersey Shore.' When asked why, the First Lady said, 'Because I love my children.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Do you remember Chemical Ali? He's been sentenced to death. Now this is the fourth time he's been sentenced to death. He's very confused. He hasn't decided what to order for his fourth last meal." –David Letterman
"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno
"Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it's getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants." –Jay Leno
"Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien, sorry if I'm a little late. I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker." –Conan O'Brien
"I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January." –Conan O'Brien
"There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'" –Conan O'Brien
"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." –Jay Leno
"You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat's health care plan." –Jay Leno
"Well, a big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Chokely, I mean, Coakley." –Jay Leno
"The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won 'cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he's a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That's what he said." –Jay Leno
"Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 500. She won't have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president." –Jay Leno
"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey." –Jay Leno
"Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he's the most popular African-American president in history" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Time sure does fly, though. It's crazy to think about this. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first 'Tonight Show' is now a slightly larger baby?" –Conan O'Brien
"Now, my future is, well, it's pretty uncertain right now, and this is absolutely true, I'm not making this up. I received a letter from the adult film company Pink Visual, offering me a role in one of their porno movies. That's true. That's absolutely true. It's great, yeah. In the movie, I'd be having sex with a beautiful woman, and just as we're about to climax, I get replaced by Jay Leno." –Conan O'Brien
"It's been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's airport watch list because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So, it's been a really bad week for little Skippy bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Well, in a statement today, Fox said if Palin does a good job, they'll sign her to a longtime contract. If she doesn't work out, they'll just blame Leno. That's what they said." –Jay Leno
"As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They're really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden's name was put on the do-not-fly list." –Jay Leno
"Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and the trouble they're having with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman
"Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry." –David Letterman
"The latest NBC news, if you're interested is, not only will Conan O'Brien be replaced by Jay Leno of the 'Tonight Show,' possibly as soon as after next week is the rumor, Jay Leno also gets custody of Conan's youngest child. He had a really bad contract." " –Jimmy Kimmel
"Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f**k he wanted." –Jon Stewart
"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." –Jon Stewart
"The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that's a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let's appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that'll work." –Jay Leno
"According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress." –Jay Leno
"According to The New York Times, an 8-year-old boy is on the terrorism watch list because he has the same name as someone on the no-fly list. His mom says he's been on the no-fly list since he was 2 years old. But to be fair, how many fliers would like to see all 2-year-olds on the no-fly list?" –Jay Leno
"Did you know this? NBC has a new slogan. This is true. And the slogan is 'More Colorful.' Yeah. They may be telling the truth, because they're about to get rid of the whitest guy on television." –Conan O'Brien
"First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn't let her daughters watch the show 'Jersey Shore.' When asked why, the First Lady said, 'Because I love my children.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Do you remember Chemical Ali? He's been sentenced to death. Now this is the fourth time he's been sentenced to death. He's very confused. He hasn't decided what to order for his fourth last meal." –David Letterman
"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno
"Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it's getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants." –Jay Leno
"Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien, sorry if I'm a little late. I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker." –Conan O'Brien
"I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January." –Conan O'Brien
"There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'" –Conan O'Brien
"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." –Jay Leno
"You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat's health care plan." –Jay Leno
"Well, a big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Chokely, I mean, Coakley." –Jay Leno
"The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won 'cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he's a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That's what he said." –Jay Leno
"Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 500. She won't have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president." –Jay Leno
"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey." –Jay Leno
"Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he's the most popular African-American president in history" –Jimmy Kimmel
Friday, January 15, 2010
January 15
"How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn't flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. ... I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic." –David Letterman
"Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization." –David Letterman
"Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually." –David Letterman
"On Friday, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man who ignited his underpants in a failed attempt to blow up a jet landing in Detroit, plead not guilty to six federal charges, while his testicles pled guilty in absentia." -Seth Meyers
"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers
"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing." -Jay Leno
"Actually, you know, if they did cancel us, it would be an easy move for me because I still haven't unpacked from the last show they canceled." -Jay Leno
"To be fair, NBC is working on a solution, they say, in which all parties will be screwed equally." -Jay Leno
"In an effort to calm people down after this latest security problem, the White House said it is working even harder to find Osama bin Laden. And here's the frustrating part. Turns out we almost had him. Did you hear about this? Earlier this year, he snuck into a White House state dinner." -Jay Leno
"The underwear bomber pleaded not guilty in court today. He had a bomb in his underpants, okay! 'I didn't know there was a bomb in my underpants.' 'I was framed by the Fruit of the Loom.'" -Jay Leno
"His lawyer said he was very respectful for the judge because he stood the whole time. Yeah, that's because his ass was on fire." -Jay Leno
"According to the New York Post, White House Budget Director Peter Orszag announced his engagement to an ABC News reporter six weeks after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his baby. And of course, people were shocked. 'The White House has a budget director?'" -Jay Leno
"President Obama was named most admired American. Most admired American. Most admired man in America. And I'm proud that my name is also on that list. It's a little farther down. I was right between Balloon Dad and Carrot Top" --David Letterman
"While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President Obama said, 'There is of course, no fool-proof solution. We have to stay one step ahead of our nimble adversary.' Nimble adversary? Sounds like somebody saw 'Sherlock Holmes' over the holiday." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Mexican government says that Starbucks is using a pre-Aztec logo without permission. In fairness, Mexico is using the United States without permission." --Jimmy Fallon
"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad." –Jay Leno
"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster." –Jay Leno
"As you may know, our show has been canceled. NBC has some pilots to fill up the 10 p.m. time slot. They're talking about bringing back 'All in the Family', with Harry Reid as Archie Bunker." –Jay Leno
"Senator Harry Reid in hot water about some remarks he made about then-candidate Barack Obama that have been perceived as to be racially insensitive. He spent most of the day on the phone apologizing to prominent African-American leaders. But you know, I still don't think he gets it. Like today, at a press conference, he says, 'I hope this doesn't leave a black mark on my record.'" –Jay Leno
"The White House said they're working even harder now to try and find Osama bin Laden. In fact, they have now put his picture on the side of cartons of goat's milk." –Jay Leno
"One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was 'God's plan.' So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin has just signed with Fox News. So, now they're fair and unbalanced." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is going to be part of the Fox News team. So, yeah. Finally, finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines have really paid off. This should balance things out over there at Fox News." –David Letterman
"It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year." –Craig Ferguson
"Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck..." –Craig Ferguson
"A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on now. I know he's a big guy but it's not fair to call Rush Limbaugh 5 percent of baby boomers. That's just rude." –Jimmy Fallon
"Rod Blagojevich says he's blacker than Obama. Oh, snap! Rod Blagojevich is so black, he should be called Tyler Perry Presents Rod Blagojevich. It's a bold claim. What he is using to back it up? [on screen: reports saying Blagojevich saying he shined shoes, lived in a five room apartment, and his father owned a laundromat in a black neighborhood]. I think you are confusing 'black' with 'middle-class white'" –Jon Stewart
"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties." –Conan O'Brien
"I've been giving this whole situation a lot of thought. You know, a true story, when I was a little boy, I remember watching the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months.' I knew that was the perfect amount of time." –Conan O'Brien
"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air." –Jay Leno
"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno
"Well of course, the big political story, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself in hot water during the election, when he described Barack Obama as a 'light-skinned' African-American 'with no negro dialect.' See, that may explain why Reid was the Senate majority leader and not the Senate minority leader." –Jay Leno
"But President Obama forgave him. Obama said today, he has 'nothing against really light-skinned people who talk with a cracker dialect.' So it all worked out." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Sarah Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she should be there for, what, six months?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel
"And now, according to The New York Times, Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC." –David Letterman
"Guess whose birthday it is today. Rush Limbaugh — 59 years old. Also, celebrity birthday, Kirstie Alley — 59 years old today, too. This explains the nationwide cake shortage." –David Letterman
"It's a big, big week for giant announcements. Have you seen the 'American Idol' show? One of the judges on the show, Simon Cowell, announced this will be the last season on the show. Cowell is the only high-ranking judge that Sarah Palin could name." –David Letterman
"But for now, it looks like Jay's back on at 11:30. Now people are getting their old jobs back. How long before Dick Cheney shows up at the White House? 'Hey Biden, heard you turned my dungeon into a breakfast nook.'" –Craig Ferguson
"It is clear that President Obama is soft on security. He has completely dropped the ball on people blowing up their balls. Thankfully, Dick Cheney has called him out, telling Politico it is clear President Obama is trying to pretend we're not at war. He's not doing a very good job at it [on screen: a montage of all the times Obama has said we're involved in a 'war on terror']. Man, he's doing a worse job pretending we're not at war than I am doing pretending he is not the president. The American people are pretending we're not at war. It's so easy when there's no draft, when no one has been asked to sacrifice anything other than our privacy, our right to habeas corpus and our full-sized shampoo bottles." –Stephen Colbert
"Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to me. And I want to say to the kids out there watching, you can do anything you want in life unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'Brien
"Well, some good news from Afghanistan. Did you hear about this? Critics of the war have stopped referring to it as another Vietnam. The bad news? They're now calling it another NBC." –Jay Leno
"Conan O'Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said, NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how'd he get that deal? We only got four." –Jay Leno
"Well, a lot of people don't like these airport body scanners. They say they don't like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Huh? Have you seen most Americans lately? Come on. It's no picnic for the security people either." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for." –David Letterman
"Conan O'Brien said yesterday, I'm not doing the tonight show at 12:05. ... He said forget it, I'm not doing the show at 12:05. NBC went back and decided to sweeten the deal and they offered him 12:04.'" –David Letterman
"Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. ... Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him." –David Letterman
"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day At FOX News
10. Ruined office floor by drilling for oil.
9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera.
8. Got confused -- thought she signed with QVC.
7. Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina."
6. Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno.
5. At lunchtime, Todd picked her up driving snowmobile through lobby.
4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt.
3. Hosted a "Fire Dave" roundtable.
2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska.
1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010 .
"Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization." –David Letterman
"Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually." –David Letterman
"On Friday, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man who ignited his underpants in a failed attempt to blow up a jet landing in Detroit, plead not guilty to six federal charges, while his testicles pled guilty in absentia." -Seth Meyers
"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers
"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing." -Jay Leno
"Actually, you know, if they did cancel us, it would be an easy move for me because I still haven't unpacked from the last show they canceled." -Jay Leno
"To be fair, NBC is working on a solution, they say, in which all parties will be screwed equally." -Jay Leno
"In an effort to calm people down after this latest security problem, the White House said it is working even harder to find Osama bin Laden. And here's the frustrating part. Turns out we almost had him. Did you hear about this? Earlier this year, he snuck into a White House state dinner." -Jay Leno
"The underwear bomber pleaded not guilty in court today. He had a bomb in his underpants, okay! 'I didn't know there was a bomb in my underpants.' 'I was framed by the Fruit of the Loom.'" -Jay Leno
"His lawyer said he was very respectful for the judge because he stood the whole time. Yeah, that's because his ass was on fire." -Jay Leno
"According to the New York Post, White House Budget Director Peter Orszag announced his engagement to an ABC News reporter six weeks after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his baby. And of course, people were shocked. 'The White House has a budget director?'" -Jay Leno
"President Obama was named most admired American. Most admired American. Most admired man in America. And I'm proud that my name is also on that list. It's a little farther down. I was right between Balloon Dad and Carrot Top" --David Letterman
"While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President Obama said, 'There is of course, no fool-proof solution. We have to stay one step ahead of our nimble adversary.' Nimble adversary? Sounds like somebody saw 'Sherlock Holmes' over the holiday." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Mexican government says that Starbucks is using a pre-Aztec logo without permission. In fairness, Mexico is using the United States without permission." --Jimmy Fallon
"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad." –Jay Leno
"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster." –Jay Leno
"As you may know, our show has been canceled. NBC has some pilots to fill up the 10 p.m. time slot. They're talking about bringing back 'All in the Family', with Harry Reid as Archie Bunker." –Jay Leno
"Senator Harry Reid in hot water about some remarks he made about then-candidate Barack Obama that have been perceived as to be racially insensitive. He spent most of the day on the phone apologizing to prominent African-American leaders. But you know, I still don't think he gets it. Like today, at a press conference, he says, 'I hope this doesn't leave a black mark on my record.'" –Jay Leno
"The White House said they're working even harder now to try and find Osama bin Laden. In fact, they have now put his picture on the side of cartons of goat's milk." –Jay Leno
"One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was 'God's plan.' So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin has just signed with Fox News. So, now they're fair and unbalanced." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is going to be part of the Fox News team. So, yeah. Finally, finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines have really paid off. This should balance things out over there at Fox News." –David Letterman
"It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year." –Craig Ferguson
"Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck..." –Craig Ferguson
"A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on now. I know he's a big guy but it's not fair to call Rush Limbaugh 5 percent of baby boomers. That's just rude." –Jimmy Fallon
"Rod Blagojevich says he's blacker than Obama. Oh, snap! Rod Blagojevich is so black, he should be called Tyler Perry Presents Rod Blagojevich. It's a bold claim. What he is using to back it up? [on screen: reports saying Blagojevich saying he shined shoes, lived in a five room apartment, and his father owned a laundromat in a black neighborhood]. I think you are confusing 'black' with 'middle-class white'" –Jon Stewart
"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties." –Conan O'Brien
"I've been giving this whole situation a lot of thought. You know, a true story, when I was a little boy, I remember watching the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months.' I knew that was the perfect amount of time." –Conan O'Brien
"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air." –Jay Leno
"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno
"Well of course, the big political story, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself in hot water during the election, when he described Barack Obama as a 'light-skinned' African-American 'with no negro dialect.' See, that may explain why Reid was the Senate majority leader and not the Senate minority leader." –Jay Leno
"But President Obama forgave him. Obama said today, he has 'nothing against really light-skinned people who talk with a cracker dialect.' So it all worked out." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Sarah Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she should be there for, what, six months?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel
"And now, according to The New York Times, Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC." –David Letterman
"Guess whose birthday it is today. Rush Limbaugh — 59 years old. Also, celebrity birthday, Kirstie Alley — 59 years old today, too. This explains the nationwide cake shortage." –David Letterman
"It's a big, big week for giant announcements. Have you seen the 'American Idol' show? One of the judges on the show, Simon Cowell, announced this will be the last season on the show. Cowell is the only high-ranking judge that Sarah Palin could name." –David Letterman
"But for now, it looks like Jay's back on at 11:30. Now people are getting their old jobs back. How long before Dick Cheney shows up at the White House? 'Hey Biden, heard you turned my dungeon into a breakfast nook.'" –Craig Ferguson
"It is clear that President Obama is soft on security. He has completely dropped the ball on people blowing up their balls. Thankfully, Dick Cheney has called him out, telling Politico it is clear President Obama is trying to pretend we're not at war. He's not doing a very good job at it [on screen: a montage of all the times Obama has said we're involved in a 'war on terror']. Man, he's doing a worse job pretending we're not at war than I am doing pretending he is not the president. The American people are pretending we're not at war. It's so easy when there's no draft, when no one has been asked to sacrifice anything other than our privacy, our right to habeas corpus and our full-sized shampoo bottles." –Stephen Colbert
"Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to me. And I want to say to the kids out there watching, you can do anything you want in life unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'Brien
"Well, some good news from Afghanistan. Did you hear about this? Critics of the war have stopped referring to it as another Vietnam. The bad news? They're now calling it another NBC." –Jay Leno
"Conan O'Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said, NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how'd he get that deal? We only got four." –Jay Leno
"Well, a lot of people don't like these airport body scanners. They say they don't like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Huh? Have you seen most Americans lately? Come on. It's no picnic for the security people either." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for." –David Letterman
"Conan O'Brien said yesterday, I'm not doing the tonight show at 12:05. ... He said forget it, I'm not doing the show at 12:05. NBC went back and decided to sweeten the deal and they offered him 12:04.'" –David Letterman
"Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. ... Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him." –David Letterman
"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day At FOX News
10. Ruined office floor by drilling for oil.
9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera.
8. Got confused -- thought she signed with QVC.
7. Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina."
6. Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno.
5. At lunchtime, Todd picked her up driving snowmobile through lobby.
4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt.
3. Hosted a "Fire Dave" roundtable.
2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska.
1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010 .
Friday, January 8, 2010
January 8
"Good to see everybody. You know, it is good to be back. We were off for Christmas, and apparently so was the Department of Homeland Security." –Jay Leno
"I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that's how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system." –Jay Leno
"He tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately, it didn't go off and his underpants just caught fire. Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.'" –Jay Leno
"Actually, no one knows what caused Rush Limbaugh's chest pains. But if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could have been a number of things. I mean, the economy's getting better, the health care bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things." –Jay Leno
"Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico." –Jay Leno
"And people everywhere are pointing fingers about security. They're saying, 'Well, you know, you should have done this and you should have done that and you should have done this.' And I'm telling you, this guy paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Now you tell me — what is the bigger red flag in this economy? The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?" –David Letterman
"President Obama took his daughters to see the 3-D version of 'Avatar.' There was an awkward moment when one of Obama's daughters leaned over to him and whispered, 'Now, that's how you spend half a billion dollars.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Did you go and see the 'Avatar' movie? The 3-D blockbuster has now made one billion dollars. Today, the auto industry issued a statement. They'd like to remind people that all their cars are in 3-D." –Craig Ferguson
"And former President Bush says he's been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don't think he really understands the situation. Like today, said, 'When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'" –Jay Leno
"And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut." –Jay Leno
"Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he's completely recovered. He'll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now." –David Letterman
"President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think." –Conan O'Brien
"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" –Conan O'Brien
"There's talk now we may have to go through these full body scanners, which would allow T.S.A. screeners to see us, not exactly naked, but close enough that every time Salma Hayek goes to the airport, there's going to be a line of guys in blue polyester blazers running to their posts." –Jimmy Kimmel
"On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about." –Jay Leno
"Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring." –Jay Leno
"After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry." –Jay Leno
"The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common." –Jay Leno
"An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'" –Jay Len
"Congratulations to President Obama on becoming an uncle. His brother-in-law, Craig Robinson, and his wife just had a son in Oregon. Or so they claim. Lou Dobbs is demanding to see the birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States." –Conan O'Brien
"I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden's dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden." –David Letterman
Videos of the Week:
John Stewart on the “underwear bomber”
Colbert: Ideal or no deal
"I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that's how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system." –Jay Leno
"He tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately, it didn't go off and his underpants just caught fire. Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.'" –Jay Leno
"Actually, no one knows what caused Rush Limbaugh's chest pains. But if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could have been a number of things. I mean, the economy's getting better, the health care bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things." –Jay Leno
"Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico." –Jay Leno
"And people everywhere are pointing fingers about security. They're saying, 'Well, you know, you should have done this and you should have done that and you should have done this.' And I'm telling you, this guy paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Now you tell me — what is the bigger red flag in this economy? The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?" –David Letterman
"President Obama took his daughters to see the 3-D version of 'Avatar.' There was an awkward moment when one of Obama's daughters leaned over to him and whispered, 'Now, that's how you spend half a billion dollars.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Did you go and see the 'Avatar' movie? The 3-D blockbuster has now made one billion dollars. Today, the auto industry issued a statement. They'd like to remind people that all their cars are in 3-D." –Craig Ferguson
"And former President Bush says he's been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don't think he really understands the situation. Like today, said, 'When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'" –Jay Leno
"And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut." –Jay Leno
"Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he's completely recovered. He'll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now." –David Letterman
"President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think." –Conan O'Brien
"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" –Conan O'Brien
"There's talk now we may have to go through these full body scanners, which would allow T.S.A. screeners to see us, not exactly naked, but close enough that every time Salma Hayek goes to the airport, there's going to be a line of guys in blue polyester blazers running to their posts." –Jimmy Kimmel
"On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about." –Jay Leno
"Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring." –Jay Leno
"After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry." –Jay Leno
"The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common." –Jay Leno
"An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'" –Jay Len
"Congratulations to President Obama on becoming an uncle. His brother-in-law, Craig Robinson, and his wife just had a son in Oregon. Or so they claim. Lou Dobbs is demanding to see the birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States." –Conan O'Brien
"I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden's dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden." –David Letterman
Videos of the Week:
John Stewart on the “underwear bomber”
Colbert: Ideal or no deal
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