"Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason." –Jay Leno
"She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?" –Jay Leno
"Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno
"In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'" –Jay Leno
"And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them." –Jay Leno
"The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away." –David Letterman
"John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War." –David Letterman
"How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school." –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul
"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher
"Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher
"BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated." –Jay Leno
"A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers." –Jimmy Kimmel
"They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno
"You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here's what he is charged with — domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway." –David Letterman
"You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans." –David Letterman
"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno
"According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking." –Jay Leno
"Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it." –Jimmy Fallon
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House State Dinner"
10. 'May we see your papers, President Calderon?'
9. 'What happened to the dumb guy who used to live here?'
8. 'May we see your papers, President Obama?'
7. 'The pinata is filled with worthless Euros'
6. 'Three whiskey sours and Chuck Schumer takes off his pants'
5. 'Sir, the Republicans are attempting to block the appetizers'
4. 'Lincoln's ghost! Run!'
3. 'Salahi? No, you're not on the list, but how about a lovely bottle of wine'
2. 'Hurry, it's Close-Up Magic Week on the 'Late Show''
1. 'Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is a big F-ing deal'
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
May 21
"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet over-flowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." –Bill Maher, on the Gulf oil spill
"This has not been a good day if you're a BP stockholder with playoff tickets for game seven with the Cavaliers." –Jay Leno
"Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20." –Jay Leno
"NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 seasons. It's too bad, but they had to make room for the new Jay Leno show, 'Jaw & Order.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno
"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno
“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list." –Jay Leno
"Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage." –Jay Leno
"Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here's what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian." –David Letterman
"Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'" – Jimmy Fallon
"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon
"A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, 'Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson
"Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is." –Craig Ferguson
"The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir." –Jay Leno
"Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot." –Jay Leno
"Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards." –Jay Leno
"Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum." –Jay Leno
"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno
"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno
"Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created." –Jay Leno
"And in welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'" –Jay Leno
"John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don't want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K." –Jay Leno
"Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour." –David Letterman
"You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors." –David Letterman
"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, there's now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of 'The Jersey Shore' can only absorb so much oil. They can't get any slimier." –Jay Leno
"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman
"A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment." –David Letterman
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image"
10. Change 'BP' from 'British Petroleum' to 'Bunnies and Puppies'
9. Scrap the snotty British accents
8. Cry on 'Oprah'
7. Take a page from AFLAC. New mascot: wise-cranking oil-soaked duck
6. Find bin Laden
5. Start making cookies. Who doesn't love cookies?
4. What's wrong with our image?
3. Switch from 'Drill Baby Drill' to 'Help Daddy Help'
2. Instead of their image, maybe they can focus on fixing the damn leak!
1. For goodness sakes, get Iron Man to do something!
"This has not been a good day if you're a BP stockholder with playoff tickets for game seven with the Cavaliers." –Jay Leno
"Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20." –Jay Leno
"NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 seasons. It's too bad, but they had to make room for the new Jay Leno show, 'Jaw & Order.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno
"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno
“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list." –Jay Leno
"Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage." –Jay Leno
"Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here's what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian." –David Letterman
"Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'" – Jimmy Fallon
"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon
"A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, 'Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson
"Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is." –Craig Ferguson
"The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir." –Jay Leno
"Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot." –Jay Leno
"Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards." –Jay Leno
"Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum." –Jay Leno
"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno
"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno
"Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created." –Jay Leno
"And in welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'" –Jay Leno
"John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don't want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K." –Jay Leno
"Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour." –David Letterman
"You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors." –David Letterman
"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, there's now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of 'The Jersey Shore' can only absorb so much oil. They can't get any slimier." –Jay Leno
"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman
"A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment." –David Letterman
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image"
10. Change 'BP' from 'British Petroleum' to 'Bunnies and Puppies'
9. Scrap the snotty British accents
8. Cry on 'Oprah'
7. Take a page from AFLAC. New mascot: wise-cranking oil-soaked duck
6. Find bin Laden
5. Start making cookies. Who doesn't love cookies?
4. What's wrong with our image?
3. Switch from 'Drill Baby Drill' to 'Help Daddy Help'
2. Instead of their image, maybe they can focus on fixing the damn leak!
1. For goodness sakes, get Iron Man to do something!
Friday, May 14, 2010
May 14
"Hey, the government announced today they're making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working. So now they're going to start cracking down." –Jay Leno
"It's interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy's name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list." –Jay Leno
"Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren't enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it's getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults." –Jay Leno
"The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation." –David Letterman
"Why is it that whenever something happens to the people that should've seen it coming didn't see coming, it's blamed on one of these rare, once in a century, perfect storms that for some reason take place every f--king two weeks. I'm beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I'm beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh**ty boat." –Jon Stewart, on the stock market crash
"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." –David Letterman
"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The crisis in Greece is being blamed on overspending, but the government claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to Greek President Barack Obama-opolous." –Jay Leno
"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, 'No, we have nothing to do with him.' … The Taliban said, 'The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we'll hire BP.'" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing
"This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, 'We will not be terrorized,' he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we're Americans, of course we're terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives." –Bill Maher
"One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn't have to approve it? If I try to pay with a 50 at Starbucks, it turns into a four man operation." -Amy Poehler, on the dramatic dropping of the Dow, SNL's "Weekened Update'
"Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?" –Jay Leno
"Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks." –Jay Leno
"Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions." –Jay Leno
"Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it." –Jay Leno
"Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one." –David Letterman
"But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak." –David Letterman
"Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California." –Craig Ferguson
"Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman
"BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right." –Jay Leno
"These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?" –Jay Leno
"BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too." –Jay Leno
"Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?" –Jay Leno
"Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let's just hope China doesn't adopt this." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called 'America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.' Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins." –Jimmy Fallon
"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it." –Jimmy Fallon
Videos of the week (and this one is a classic!)
Lewis Black ranting on Glenn Beck’s outrage over Nazi comparison of Arizona Immigration Law
"It's interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy's name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list." –Jay Leno
"Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren't enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it's getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults." –Jay Leno
"The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation." –David Letterman
"Why is it that whenever something happens to the people that should've seen it coming didn't see coming, it's blamed on one of these rare, once in a century, perfect storms that for some reason take place every f--king two weeks. I'm beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I'm beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh**ty boat." –Jon Stewart, on the stock market crash
"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." –David Letterman
"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The crisis in Greece is being blamed on overspending, but the government claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to Greek President Barack Obama-opolous." –Jay Leno
"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, 'No, we have nothing to do with him.' … The Taliban said, 'The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we'll hire BP.'" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing
"This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, 'We will not be terrorized,' he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we're Americans, of course we're terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives." –Bill Maher
"One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn't have to approve it? If I try to pay with a 50 at Starbucks, it turns into a four man operation." -Amy Poehler, on the dramatic dropping of the Dow, SNL's "Weekened Update'
"Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?" –Jay Leno
"Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks." –Jay Leno
"Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions." –Jay Leno
"Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it." –Jay Leno
"Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one." –David Letterman
"But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak." –David Letterman
"Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California." –Craig Ferguson
"Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman
"BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right." –Jay Leno
"These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?" –Jay Leno
"BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too." –Jay Leno
"Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?" –Jay Leno
"Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let's just hope China doesn't adopt this." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called 'America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.' Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins." –Jimmy Fallon
"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it." –Jimmy Fallon
Videos of the week (and this one is a classic!)
Lewis Black ranting on Glenn Beck’s outrage over Nazi comparison of Arizona Immigration Law
Friday, May 7, 2010
May 7
"Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona." –Jay Leno
"Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno
"The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'" –Jay Leno
"And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot." –Jay Leno
"Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems." –Jay Leno
"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." –Jay Leno
"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland." –Jay Leno
"This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'" –David Letterman
"But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout." –David Letterman
"But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." –David Letterman
"Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show." –David Letterman
"Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley." –David Letterman
"If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives." –David Letterman
"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it." –Jimmy Fallon
"Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." –David Letterman
"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman
"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman
"As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's." –Jay Leno
"The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed." –Jimmy Fallon
"They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million." —David Letterman
"John Edwards's mistress, Rielle Hunter, was on 'Oprah' today. She told Oprah she did not believe that she played a central role in the breakup of the Edwardses' marriage. Really? So, getting pregnant by a married guy, having his kid, that's not what broke up the marriage? You know what broke it up? Fighting over the remote. I'm sure that's what it was." –Jay Leno
"And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it's now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken." –Jay Leno
"And the world-renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, you know that guy? He says in his documentary, aliens do exist, but he says it's best we do not try to interact with them. In fact, he's against giving them driver's licenses." –Jay Leno
"And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he'll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese." –Jay Leno
"Publishers announced that former President George Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book is called 'Decision Points.' The title is based on the fact whenever a decision needed to be made, Bush would point to Cheney." –Jay Leno
"There's a show on CBS called 'The Mentalist.' It's about a detective with heightened powers of observation. Let me give you an example of how good this guy is. This guy is so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that is a lying crook and a Goldman Sachs executive that's a lying weasel. He's that good." –David Letterman
"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he'd have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon
"Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan." –Jay Leno
"Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable." –Jay Leno
"If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business." –Jay Leno
"Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona." –Craig Ferguson
"I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon
"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"
10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'
Video of the week:
Obama at White House Correspondence Dinner
"Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno
"The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'" –Jay Leno
"And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot." –Jay Leno
"Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems." –Jay Leno
"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." –Jay Leno
"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland." –Jay Leno
"This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'" –David Letterman
"But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout." –David Letterman
"But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." –David Letterman
"Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show." –David Letterman
"Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley." –David Letterman
"If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives." –David Letterman
"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it." –Jimmy Fallon
"Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." –David Letterman
"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman
"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman
"As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's." –Jay Leno
"The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed." –Jimmy Fallon
"They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million." —David Letterman
"John Edwards's mistress, Rielle Hunter, was on 'Oprah' today. She told Oprah she did not believe that she played a central role in the breakup of the Edwardses' marriage. Really? So, getting pregnant by a married guy, having his kid, that's not what broke up the marriage? You know what broke it up? Fighting over the remote. I'm sure that's what it was." –Jay Leno
"And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it's now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken." –Jay Leno
"And the world-renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, you know that guy? He says in his documentary, aliens do exist, but he says it's best we do not try to interact with them. In fact, he's against giving them driver's licenses." –Jay Leno
"And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he'll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese." –Jay Leno
"Publishers announced that former President George Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book is called 'Decision Points.' The title is based on the fact whenever a decision needed to be made, Bush would point to Cheney." –Jay Leno
"There's a show on CBS called 'The Mentalist.' It's about a detective with heightened powers of observation. Let me give you an example of how good this guy is. This guy is so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that is a lying crook and a Goldman Sachs executive that's a lying weasel. He's that good." –David Letterman
"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he'd have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon
"Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan." –Jay Leno
"Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable." –Jay Leno
"If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business." –Jay Leno
"Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona." –Craig Ferguson
"I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon
"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"
10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'
Video of the week:
Obama at White House Correspondence Dinner
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