"Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday." –Jay Leno
"Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?" –Jay Leno
"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees." –Jay Leno
"The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you." –Jay Leno
"Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature." –Jimmy Kimmel
"There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted." –Craig Ferguson
"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher
"Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?"–Bill Maher
"An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he's never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus." –Bill Maher
"One of the other nuts Carl Paladino in New York state, they had a debate, I've never seen this in politics -- he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I've ever seen." –Bill Maher
"Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment." –Seth Meyers
"Following Williams' firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they're siding with a black guy named Juan." –Seth Meyers
"Last night on 'Dancing With the Stars,' Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel
"According to news reports, Christine O'Donnell's father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you're the embarrassment in the family." –Jimmy Fallon
"So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate." –David Letterman
"Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'" –Seth Meyers
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
October 15
“Remember Lou Dobbs on CNN, who was always railing against illegal immigrants and the people who hire them. It turns out Lou Dobbs hires illegal immigrants. I was shocked. Lou Dobbs is married to Meg Whitman?" –Bill Maher
"What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch." –Bill Maher
"Christine O'Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an end this week. The first words of the ad are 'I am not a witch.' This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since… the Massachusetts primary of 1692." –Bill Maher
"Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron." –Bill Maher
"President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house. Oh yeah, right" –Jimmy Fallon
"Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring." –David Letterman
"Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs." –Jay Leno
"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman
"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno
"Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan." –Jimmy Fallon
"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume." –David Letterman
"Christine O'Donnell's new ad says she didn't go to Yale, like her opponent. I don't think she really needs to tell us that." –Jay Leno
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it." –Jay Leno
Video of the week:
Steven Colbert on Muslim Threat
"What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch." –Bill Maher
"Christine O'Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an end this week. The first words of the ad are 'I am not a witch.' This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since… the Massachusetts primary of 1692." –Bill Maher
"Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron." –Bill Maher
"President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house. Oh yeah, right" –Jimmy Fallon
"Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring." –David Letterman
"Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs." –Jay Leno
"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman
"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno
"Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan." –Jimmy Fallon
"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume." –David Letterman
"Christine O'Donnell's new ad says she didn't go to Yale, like her opponent. I don't think she really needs to tell us that." –Jay Leno
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it." –Jay Leno
Video of the week:
Steven Colbert on Muslim Threat
Friday, October 8, 2010
October 8
"Christine O'Donnell has a new commercial where she says, 'I'm not a witch.' Isn't that exactly what a witch would say?" " –David Letterman
"Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams." –Jay Leno
"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon
"Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?" –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?" –David Letterman
"The State Department has issued a travel warning. They've warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel." –Jay Leno
"Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. Had he said it on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have been fired because no one would have heard it." –Jay Leno
"A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." –Jimmy Fallon
"The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe." –Jimmy Fallon
"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher
"Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." –Bill Maher
"The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD." –Bill Maher
"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno
"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno
"The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars." –Jay Leno
"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno
"The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." –David Letterman
"Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams." –Jay Leno
"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon
"Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?" –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?" –David Letterman
"The State Department has issued a travel warning. They've warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel." –Jay Leno
"Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. Had he said it on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have been fired because no one would have heard it." –Jay Leno
"A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." –Jimmy Fallon
"The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe." –Jimmy Fallon
"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher
"Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." –Bill Maher
"The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD." –Bill Maher
"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno
"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno
"The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars." –Jay Leno
"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno
"The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." –David Letterman
Friday, October 1, 2010
October 1
"You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care." –David Letterman
"The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra." –David Letterman
"Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"[The Democrats] are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher
"President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. " –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman
"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon
"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon
"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno
"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman
"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman
"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon
"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon
"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson
"Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'" –Craig Ferguson
"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon
"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra." –David Letterman
"Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"[The Democrats] are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher
"President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. " –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman
"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon
"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon
"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno
"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman
"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman
"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon
"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon
"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson
"Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'" –Craig Ferguson
"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon
"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)