October 14, 2011

"The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, 'Who am I?'" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That's scary. What if they're spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?" –Craig Ferguson

"The protests are getting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump's hair and set it on fire." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, 'Oh, you'll see.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It's all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters." –Jimmy Fallon

"One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn't get any lower." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, 'Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien

"Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we've exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." –Conan O'Brien

"Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry has admitted that he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches." –David Letterman

"A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That's right, a mythical creature who probably doesn't exist. Or as Republicans call that, 'a presidential candidate.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?" –Jay Leno

“We found out why Sarah Palin won't run for president. She heard the job lasts four years." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said 'Look at me. Do I look like I'm ready to race anyone?'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black." –Bill Maher

"Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions." –Bill Maher

"There's a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don't pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year." –Jay Leno

"This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his." –Jay Leno

"Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected." –David Letterman

"The economy's so bad, I was in Central Park today. I saw pigeons feeding old people. To save money we had to fire two writers, so this joke I'm in the middle of right now has no punch line." –David Letterman

"Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won't be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less than no one' thinks they're doing a good job." –Jay Leno

September 30, 2011

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien

"You want to add another candidate? It's like the Republican primary is a season of 'American Idol' in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it's you?" –Jon Stewart to the GOP base

"It's like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, "You know, there's something wrong with this mirror." –Jon Stewart

"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." –Bill Maher

"Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates." –Bill Maher

"Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school." –Bill Maher

"You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter." –Bill Maher

"Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose an ally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

"There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo." –Jay Leno

"Bad day for the stock market. It's down nearly 400 points. They're calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he'll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that's impossible to understand." –Conan O'Brien

"At the U.N. today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin's website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she'll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn't just show up every day." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10. Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs

9. At debates, he mostly goes with, 'That's what she said'

8. Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter

7. He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters

6. His new slogan: 'C'mon!'

5. Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry

4. Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran

3. Even his wife is wearing a 'Herman Cain' button

2. Instead of 'Freedom' and 'Liberty,' his cowboy boots read 'It's' and 'Over'

1. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts

September 23, 2011

"The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'The American dollar is strong.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math." –Jay Leno

"Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory." –Stephen Colbert

"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It's not like they're rocket scientists." –David Letterman

"President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix." –Craig Ferguson

"The military's controversial 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden." –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more." –David Letterman

“Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. ... These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” –Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.' Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead." –Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.” –Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.” –Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.” –Bill Maher

“After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said  she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, 'I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'm offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore.” –Bill Maher

“A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” –Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you're watching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, put them back in.” –Bill Maher

"On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life's work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look two to three pages longer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Sarah Palin documentary is coming out from the man who did 'Biggie and Tupac.' The Palin documentary is similar, but with more guns." –Conan O'Brien

September 16, 2011

"A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor." –Conan O'Brien

"A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, 'Hey, no rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended." –Jay Leno

"Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien

"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected." –Jay Leno

"Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks." –Jay Leno

"Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"The biggest applause line of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Holy f**kballs." –Jon Stewart, on the Republican presidential debate

"Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'" –Jay Leno

"Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?" –Jay Leno

"You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get." –Jay Leno

"Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon 

September 9, 2011

"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel." –David Letterman

"The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction." –David Letterman

"During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because 'the states could do a gooder job.'" –Jay Leno

"Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs." –Stephen Colbert

"According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman." –Jay Leno

"One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann." –Conan O'Brien

"The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at." –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush's niece was married over the weekend. The wedding was rodeo-themed, just like Bush's presidency." –David Letterman

"Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work." –David Letterman

"President Obama's uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating." –David Letterman

"New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that's the price you pay for living in an island paradise." –David Letterman

"President Obama's uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president's life was Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"I read Dick Cheney's book. … If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section." –Jay Leno

"The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands?" –David Letterman

"The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet." –Jimmy Fallon

"The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry." –Jay Leno

"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman

"Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?" –David Letterman

August 26, 2011

(It is the rerun season, so not that many new jokes-Blogger)

"Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?" –David Letterman

"The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center." –David Letterman

"On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini." –David Letterman

"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class." –David Letterman

"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating." –David Letterman

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

"The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third." –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Gaddafi's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Tripoli has fallen. S&P now calls it only double-E plus." -Blogger

August 19, 2011

"Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien

"A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration." -- Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America:

"You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."

"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race." –Jay Leno

"It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th." –Jay Leno

"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I'm sure 911 operators can't wait to get texts that say, 'Being carjacked, LOL.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." –Jon Stewart

‎‎"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." –Stephen Colbert

‎"The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked." –Jay Leno

August 12, 2011

"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno

"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien

"John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack." –Bill Maher

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF." –Bill Maher

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." –Bill Maher

"In the movie 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, 'Whew — good thing I lost!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." –Jay Leno

"There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game." –Jay Leno

"Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes." –Conan O'Brien

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets." –Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" –Jon Stewart

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

August 5, 2011

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

"The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something." –Bill Maher

"The essence of the problem is something I've been saying for years. One party has no brains; the other party has no balls. Is it really too much to ask that there be one party with both?" –Bill Maher

"By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn't take it. The Democrats -- getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that's off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over." –Bill Maher

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions." –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That's what he said -- get their asses in line. This is typical Washington -- if it's not Obama kissing Wall Street's ass, it's Boehner kicking ass, or it's Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They're a bunch of asses." –Jay Leno

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

"Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That's how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." –Conan O'Brien

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno

"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno

‎"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon

July 29, 2011

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July 22, 2011

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson

"It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." –Craig Ferguson

"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

"I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?" –Stephen Colbert

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that the social network 'Google +' has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of 'friendship.'" –Bill Maher

"There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California since 'New Mexico' is already taken." –Jay Leno

"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston…. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they're called 'philosophy majors.'" –Jay Leno

"It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French." –David Letterman

‎"If Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips." –Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven't picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb." –Conan O'Brien

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that God is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

July 15

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

"The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left." –Jay Leno

"The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment." –Jay Leno

"A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: 'North Mexico.'" –Jimmy Fallon

‎"It's not, 'All right, let's all chip in and we'll buy a keg for the big party.' It's, 'Buy me a keg and I won't burn your f**kin' house down.'" –Jon Stewart on Republicans' approach to compromise during debt negotiations

"Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages." –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

‎"Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth." –Stephen Colbert

"A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage pledge?" –Jay Leno

"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil." –Craig Ferguson

"In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona they said was so bad that police were hassling white people." –Bill Maher

"Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno

"We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. How many people are surprised by that? How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don't think that ever works." –Jay Leno

"You know the woman in Texas who gave birth to a 16-pound baby boy? Turns out if was a hoax. It wasn’t a baby at all. It was a Mexican trying to sneak into the country." –Jay Leno

‎"Is he teaching people not to be gay or is he like the 'Green Mile' guy and just absorbing it all?" –Jon Stewart on Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus Bachmann

June 24, 2011

"Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?" –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

"Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congress has just lost its Weiner. One minute he's in, one minute he's out ... typical Weiner." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you, Anthony Weiner, for your premature evacuation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?" –Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

"John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno

"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything." –Jay Leno

"According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time." –Jay Leno

“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." –David Letterman

"President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we're going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here's what I don't understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you'd think it would be a mellower place." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand." –Jay Leno

"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he’ll fight accusations he’s gay. He’ll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt." –Conan O'Brien

"A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president." –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money"

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive

9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon

8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"

7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"

6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless

5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator

4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins

3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs

2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon

1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat