"Sarah Palin's reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States." –Jay Leno
"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month." –Jay Leno
"Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno
"Sad news. It looks like 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki's on her third year." –Jay Leno
"Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession." –Jay Leno
"The blizzard was three hours of howling wind — kind of like Rush Limbaugh's radio show." –Conan O'Brien
"The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien
"Former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger starts a speaking tour later this month. Tickets are selling for between $270 and $427. Imagine how much they would charge if he could actually speak." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago." –Craig Ferguson
"John Edwards has denied 'The National Enquirer' story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or 'The National Enquirer'?" –Jay Leno
"A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House." –Jay Leno
"Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day." –Jay Leno
"The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers." –Jay Leno
"California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a 'national embarrassment.' Then she watched the premiere of 'Jersey Shore' and was like, 'Never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, 'Ha ha. You've got a girl's last name.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction." –Jimmy Kimmel
"According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans' reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers a $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading." –Jimmy Kimmel
"In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs." –Jay Leno
"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows." –Jay Leno
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