"We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." –Bill Maher
"You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? At some point a pit bull does stop whining." –Bill Maher
"Sarah Palin said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane, and casting the President as a foreign enemy." –Bill Maher
"Whatever you do, do not compare her to the shooter, because he is a gun-loving lunatic who can't hold a job and leaves rambling messages on the Internet." –Bill Maher
"John Boehner skipped the memorial to attend a fundraising cocktail party. He said it's not that he doesn't care, just that it was sad and he's one of those men who's uncomfortable showing emotions in public." –Bill Maher
"A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change." –Bill Maher
"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,' which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if I thought she knew that." –Seth Meyers
"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman
"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman
"Good news tonight. The chief victim of that shooting in Tucson is sitting upright and talking. (On screen: Sarah Palin on Fox News)" –Jon Stewart
"Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours." –Jay Leno
"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien
"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." –Conan O'Brien
"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien
"Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" –Jay Leno
"President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." –Jay Leno
"Republicans voted today to repeal health reform. Democrats warned this could make it harder for older Americans to get health care. Hugh Hefner’s new fiance said, 'Good!'" –Jay Leno
"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon
Watch: Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin’s Faux Interview
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