January 28, 2011

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,' a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month." –Jay Leno

"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed." –Jay Leno

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Three Supreme Court justices — Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas — did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson." –Conan O'Brien

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage." –Jay Leno

"After Larry King and Regis Philbin, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. Bad things always happen in threes — like the Jonas Brothers." –Craig Ferguson

"Good news. Congresswoman Gabby Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen. In a related story, Sarah Palin's doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side." –Bill Maher

"Every Republican in Congress voted to repeal the health care legislation. They admitted it was symbolic, but it does enable Republicans to brag in campaign ads next year that they voted to let poor people die." –Bill Maher

"What amazes me is that that kind of stuff never makes John Boehner cry. … Congress this week was recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's inauguration, a man that John Boehner doesn't like, has no allegiance with politically, and it was 50 years ago. He cried. This guy is an ad for Paxil." –Bill Maher

"Boehner was subject to some controversy because the President hosted President Hu of China this week, and Boehner was invited to the State Dinner and did not come. President Hu was very disappointed. He promised his friends back home that he would get a picture with the 'orange man who leaks." –Bill Maher

"It was quite a site to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his." –Bill Maher

"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." –Bill Maher

"While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people." –Jay Leno

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. There were 200 people, a six-course dinner, and champagne. It was so expensive that we had to borrow money from China for the dinner." –David Letterman

"The cellist Yo-Yo Ma was there. It's the first yoyo we've had in the White House since George W. Bush." –David Letterman

"Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We’re too big to fail!" –Jon Stewart

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno

"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister." –Jay Leno

"A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: 'Cover-Your-Face-Book.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears." –Jimmy Kimmel