"President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything." –Jay Leno
"The Catholic Church has approved an app that let’s you confess on your iPhone. You can now cheat and atone right on the same device. Perfect for Brett Favre." –Jay Leno
"The actual name for this app is “Priest in your pocket.” Don’t they read the paper? Couldn’t they come up with a better name?" –Jay Leno
"On the 'Today' show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins 'magnificent' and Chelsea Clinton a 'solid young woman.' In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s." –Jimmy Fallon
"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama called the coach of the Green Bay packers to congratulate him. Then he called to console the victims of the Black Eyed Peas halftime show." –Conan O'Brien
"The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan." –Conan O'Brien
"An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though." –Conan O'Brien
"Dick Cheney says that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a 'good friend.' Why am I not surprised by this?" –David Letterman
"President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs." –Jay Leno
"Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al." –Jay Leno
"There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?" –Jay Leno
"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn't too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno
"Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning." –Conan O'Brien
"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien
"During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O'Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"This year's Super Bowl was the most-watched event in history. Take that, moon landing." –Craig Ferguson
"Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay." –Bill Maher
"It’s just a tradition that First Ladies get to pick some mundane up until now non-controversial cause to promote. Lady Bird Johnson beautifying America, Barbara Bush had literacy. Betty Ford’s was no hard liquor before 10 AM. Our last First Lady Laura Bush worked tirelessly against illiteracy, so between her efforts and her husband’s, it was a tie. Hillary Clinton did pioneering work in looking the other way…" –Bill Maher on Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign
"Now Egyptians are demanding to see President Mubarak’s birth certificate. There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey." –Jay Leno
"According to 'The National Enquirer' House Speaker John Boehner had his package stimulated. He’s being accused of having two affairs, one with a female lobbyist. That should end the criticism of the Republicans as 'The Party of No.'" –Jay Leno
"Egyptian President Mubarak’s son Gamal will not run for President. Why would he? An unpopular President is removed from office and his inexperienced son is voted in? That could never happen." –Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney said in an interview that Sarah Palin would be great as president. He then added, “ . . . of Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon
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