April 15, 2011

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal ... to screw each other." –David Letterman

"It was so lovely today in New York that Charlie Sheen was bombing in the park. So beautiful Southwest Airlines put in screens. So nice in D.C. that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas." –Conan O'Brien

"To avoid a shutdown, the government cut $39 billion from the budget. The first thing to go was 'Real Housewives of D.C.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?" –Jay Leno

"Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president." –Jay Leno

"If the government shuts down, all non-essential workers will stop coming to work. Here's my question: Why do we even have non-essential workers?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in 'Back to the Future 2,' when Biff was in charge." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." –Jimmy Fallon

"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno

"Toyota says they're going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

“America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at in that too." –Stephen Colbert

"Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head." –Jimmy Fallon

"Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House says we'll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn't see that coming." –David Letterman

"President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before." –Jay Leno

"Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno

"It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as 'not African-Americans.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, "I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market..." Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself." –Jay Leno