01-06-01 A.R. (After Rapture)

"One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called 'The Undefeated.' That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called 'The Faithful.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin's political life. In case you're interested in watching a movie that's longer than Palin's actual political life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'" –Jay Leno

"They drive on other side of the road there, so Obama had to switch sides — kind of like Mitt Romney is doing over here." –Jay Leno

"Arnold’s maid has hired a lawyer, so I guess it’s her turn to screw him." –Jay Leno

"New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 saying the housekeeper does a 'great job.' One clue might have been that he then added, 'And she's also a great housekeeper.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on 'Dancing With the Stars.' But President Obama is refusing to release the pictures." –David Letterman

"Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, 'What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?' Those tickets will still be good for October.'" –David Letterman

"It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant." –Craig Ferguson

"Some people sold all they're possessions to prepare for Judgment Day. They're idiots. If the world does end, what are you going to do with your money? Walmart is closed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him." –Conan O'Brien

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself." –David Letterman

"In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? "I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5." –Jay Leno

"The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31." –Jay Leno

"The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, "But I have families to support." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he's sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That's when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama's like, 'Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather's archrival, Donny McTrump." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn't necessary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he's not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, 'Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn't you just tell us in person?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has been plotting attacks against oil tankers and refineries for years. Thank goodness that never happened. The price of gas would have skyrocketed." –Jay Leno

"How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to run for President, and she said yes. But it's not the fire in the belly; it's the air in the head." –Jay Leno

"If you don't know much about Newt Gingrich, he's like Donald Trump without the charisma." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It's not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

“A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side." –Jay Leno

"Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of." –Stephen Colbert

"There is a simple explanation for this because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk." –Stephen Colbert, on Newt Gingrich running up $500 million dollar in Tiffany's debt

May 20, 2011

"The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you ... like MySpace or Friendster." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pakistan's Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he'd been having an affair for 5 years ... with Osama bin Laden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is "Let's Just See What Would Happen." –Conan O'Brien

"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he's improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn't had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he's the Mormon!" –Jay Leno

"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He's even willing to learn English." –Jay Leno

"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. …There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,' 'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. ..Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, 'Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,' and that's why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obama. They have the same healthcare plan." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." -Jay Leno

"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

"Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party." -Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is 'National Visit Your Relatives Day!' Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Better make it two days.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news - not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." -Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." -Jay Leno

"Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund." -Jay Leno

"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." -Conan O'Brien

"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." -David Letterman

"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians." -Conan O'Brien

"Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee's announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump's announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey." -Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, 'We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'" -David Letterman

"It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, 'Why the long face?'" -David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" -Jay Leno

"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." -Jay Leno

"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." -Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"

10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face

9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding

8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard

7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen

6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect

5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs

4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites

3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album

2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno

1. Turns out he was kind of a coward

May 16, 2011

"The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore." –Jay Leno

"The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million." –Jay Leno

"Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden's wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands." –Conan O'Brien

"Pakistan has 3 of Osama’s wives: Ivana, Marla and Melania." –David Letterman

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don't know how they ever started communicating." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval ratings have already started to go down again. We're so fickle. Basically, we're saying, who have you shot for us lately?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, 'Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that's coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. Looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler." –Jimmy Fallon

“Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jay Leno

"Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don’t send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal." –Jay Leno

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up." –David Letterman

"In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone." –Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent." –Seth Meyers

"The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida." –Jimmy Fallon

"First I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world's great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric." –Tina Fey, reprising her Sarah Palin impression on SNL

"It's just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"The important thing for people to know is that I'm gonna be runnin' for president every four years for the rest of my life. It's my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"Sarah Palin said Obama should stop 'pussyfooting around' and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy, and the woman who quit her job as the governor of a state with no people after half a term and won't do an interview with anyone but Greta Van Susteren is a bad-ass. Right." –Bill Maher

"Who might be Bin Laden's successor? If they're looking for someone with a large following who's a religious zealot and hates the Jews...Mel Gibson?" –Bill Maher

"Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nut jobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers. And I know that's true because I just got it in an email from Trump." –Bill Maher

"The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep." –Jay Leno

Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico defeating the French. Isn't that like beating Sarah Palin on 'Jeopardy'?" –Jay Leno

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was '38 of the most intense minutes.' Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They're called tunnels." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin." –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you've ever tasted Godfather's Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius." –Stephen Colbert on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden"

10. "How many threats per minute can you type?"

9. "Can you work weekends?"

8. "Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?"

7. "How do your co-terrorists describe you?"

6. "What is the current bounty on your head?"

5. "Any ideas for a new catchphrase? 'Death to America' is kind of played"

4. "Would you require the use of the company llama?"

3. "How often do you delouse your beard?"

2. "Were you bar mitzvahed?"

1. "What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?"

May 6, 2011

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman

"President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump so shut up." –Jay Leno

"Obama's even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, 'Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?'" –Jay Leno

"NATO bombed Gadhafi's compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear." –Jay Leno

"Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer." –David Letterman

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert

"The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, 'Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk." –Jimmy Kimmel

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!" –Jon Stewart

"Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed." –Stephen Colbert

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military." –Jay Leno

“Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head." –Jay Leno

"They dumped bin Laden's body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark." –David Letterman

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden"

10. 'We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often'

9. 'Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?'

8. 'Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes'

7. 'Hit pause, I gotta take a leak'

6. 'These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent'

5. 'Biden, wake up!'

4. 'Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?'

3. 'We should totally post this on YouTube'

2. 'Seriously, Joe, wake up!'

1. 'I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this'