May 16, 2011

"The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore." –Jay Leno

"The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million." –Jay Leno

"Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden's wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands." –Conan O'Brien

"Pakistan has 3 of Osama’s wives: Ivana, Marla and Melania." –David Letterman

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don't know how they ever started communicating." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval ratings have already started to go down again. We're so fickle. Basically, we're saying, who have you shot for us lately?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, 'Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that's coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. Looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler." –Jimmy Fallon

“Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jay Leno

"Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don’t send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal." –Jay Leno

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up." –David Letterman

"In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone." –Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent." –Seth Meyers

"The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida." –Jimmy Fallon

"First I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world's great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric." –Tina Fey, reprising her Sarah Palin impression on SNL

"It's just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"The important thing for people to know is that I'm gonna be runnin' for president every four years for the rest of my life. It's my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"Sarah Palin said Obama should stop 'pussyfooting around' and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy, and the woman who quit her job as the governor of a state with no people after half a term and won't do an interview with anyone but Greta Van Susteren is a bad-ass. Right." –Bill Maher

"Who might be Bin Laden's successor? If they're looking for someone with a large following who's a religious zealot and hates the Jews...Mel Gibson?" –Bill Maher

"Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nut jobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers. And I know that's true because I just got it in an email from Trump." –Bill Maher

"The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep." –Jay Leno

Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico defeating the French. Isn't that like beating Sarah Palin on 'Jeopardy'?" –Jay Leno

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was '38 of the most intense minutes.' Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They're called tunnels." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin." –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you've ever tasted Godfather's Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius." –Stephen Colbert on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden"

10. "How many threats per minute can you type?"

9. "Can you work weekends?"

8. "Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?"

7. "How do your co-terrorists describe you?"

6. "What is the current bounty on your head?"

5. "Any ideas for a new catchphrase? 'Death to America' is kind of played"

4. "Would you require the use of the company llama?"

3. "How often do you delouse your beard?"

2. "Were you bar mitzvahed?"

1. "What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?"