May 20, 2011

"The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you ... like MySpace or Friendster." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pakistan's Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he'd been having an affair for 5 years ... with Osama bin Laden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is "Let's Just See What Would Happen." –Conan O'Brien

"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he's improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn't had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he's the Mormon!" –Jay Leno

"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He's even willing to learn English." –Jay Leno

"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. …There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,' 'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. ..Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, 'Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,' and that's why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obama. They have the same healthcare plan." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." -Jay Leno

"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

"Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party." -Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is 'National Visit Your Relatives Day!' Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Better make it two days.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news - not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." -Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." -Jay Leno

"Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund." -Jay Leno

"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." -Conan O'Brien

"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." -David Letterman

"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians." -Conan O'Brien

"Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee's announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump's announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey." -Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, 'We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'" -David Letterman

"It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, 'Why the long face?'" -David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" -Jay Leno

"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." -Jay Leno

"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." -Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"

10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face

9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding

8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard

7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen

6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect

5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs

4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites

3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album

2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno

1. Turns out he was kind of a coward