May 6, 2011

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman

"President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump so shut up." –Jay Leno

"Obama's even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, 'Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?'" –Jay Leno

"NATO bombed Gadhafi's compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear." –Jay Leno

"Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer." –David Letterman

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert

"The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, 'Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk." –Jimmy Kimmel

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!" –Jon Stewart

"Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed." –Stephen Colbert

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military." –Jay Leno

“Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head." –Jay Leno

"They dumped bin Laden's body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark." –David Letterman

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden"

10. 'We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often'

9. 'Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?'

8. 'Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes'

7. 'Hit pause, I gotta take a leak'

6. 'These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent'

5. 'Biden, wake up!'

4. 'Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?'

3. 'We should totally post this on YouTube'

2. 'Seriously, Joe, wake up!'

1. 'I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this'