June 24, 2011

"Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?" –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

"Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congress has just lost its Weiner. One minute he's in, one minute he's out ... typical Weiner." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you, Anthony Weiner, for your premature evacuation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?" –Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

"John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno

"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything." –Jay Leno

"According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time." –Jay Leno

“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." –David Letterman

"President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we're going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here's what I don't understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you'd think it would be a mellower place." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand." –Jay Leno

"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he’ll fight accusations he’s gay. He’ll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt." –Conan O'Brien

"A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president." –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money"

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive

9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon

8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"

7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"

6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless

5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator

4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins

3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs

2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon

1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat

June 17, 2011

"Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it's a total housekeeper magnet." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno

"The Chairman of the Republican Party Ed Cox said that he would use the incriminating pictures from Anthony Weiner to defeat him. So now we have Cox versus Weiner. This just doesn't stop!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears." –Jay Leno

"President Obama wrote an essay for People magazine about being the father he never had. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote an essay about being the father no one knew he was." –Jimmy Fallon

"People keep asking me if Sarah Palin is running for President. How the f*** do I know? What am I, the idiot whisperer?" –Bill Maher

"We don't even need Sarah Palin for comedy in this presidential election because yesterday Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Did you see this? His entire staff quit en masse because they had a little disagreement about strategy. You see, Newt entered the race three weeks ago, and then his staff got mad at him because he spent the last two weeks campaigning in the wrong country. The last two weeks he's been on a yacht touring the Greek Island, stopping only at Tiffany's on his mission to warn America that Obama is an elitist." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Newt Gingrich, just stop. Seriously, your campaign isn’t just off to a rocky start; it’s like you hired me to run it and I purposely ran it into the ground. Let me put your popularity into context for you. You are a Republican and you’re polling behind a black man--Herman Cain." –Bill Maher

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"The housekeeper said the affair wasn't all Arnold's fault because 'it takes two.' Then Anthony Weiner said, 'Actually, it only takes one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During the Republican debate on Monday night, Mitt Romney interrupted the proceedings to announce the score of the hockey game. Well ... I guess he's already written off the black vote." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno

"When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he's resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, 'If it was me, I wouldn't be surprised.'" –David Letterman

"The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner's car isn't registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing he's entered during the entire Weinergate scandal." –Conan O'Brien

"TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, 'There's a congressional gym?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, male politicians run for office to be somebody, while female politicians run to do something. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin." –Conan O'Brien

"According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." –Jimmy Fallon

"The state of Alaska released more than 24,000 emails written by Sarah Palin when she was governor. How does someone that doesn't read write that much?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in." –Craig Ferguson

June 15, 2011

"It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word 'potato,' thus paving the way for Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn't his concern when he was texting pictures of himself." –David Letterman

"It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy." –Jon Stewart

June 10, 2011

"Mitt Romney started to stick it to Obama right away. He said, 'We are only inches away from ceasing to be a free market economy.' What?! If he’s going to lie this hard on day one, what’s he going to say in six months? Obama is kidnapping our white women and feeding them to King Kong." –Bill Maher, on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign announcement

"Mitt Romney wanted to get the maximum exposure for his (presidential) announcement so he made it in Anthony Weiner's underpants." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –Bill Maher

"Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school." –Bill Maher, on Sarah Palin's botched explanation of Paul Revere's midnight ride

"Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic." –Bill Maher, on history according to Sarah Palin

"The question is – why can't Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe he's been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos?" –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he’s a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, "Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Sarah Palin’s cross country road trip is not a political event, she says, but just a summer vacation with her family, just like the ones you have. Except my summer vacations generally don't have a title." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"You know, Donald, I don’t want to say anything, but if you’re taking an esteemed visitor to get real New York pizza, Famiglia’s ain’t it. Unless real authentic New York pizza can also be found in Terminal Four of the Phoenix Airport. Governor Palin, no disrespect to you, you’re a guest in our city, we should offer you the finest that our hospitality has to offer you. I just would have thought Captain Combover could have pulled that one off." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump’s trip with Sarah Palin to a pizza parlor in Times Square

‎"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks

"Of course, the 'lame stream media' ambushed Palin with gotcha questions like, 'Where are you going?' and, 'Why are you doing this?'" –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin's bus tour

"Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail." –Stephen Colbert

"From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once." –Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show." –Stephen Colbert

"The USDA replaced the food pyramid with the 'food plate.' After years of the food pyramid, many Americans ended up shaped like pyramids." –Craig Ferguson

"It's official. It turns out it was Weiner's weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!" -Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a tough week for him. He's lost so much support, and he had to buy a second pair of underwear too. I'm just glad he had the balls to admit his mistake." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, 'Not Disney World. Thanks Mom!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana and Sarah Palin was like, 'Wow, they’re going to all the places Paul Revere went.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it,' 'Do I even need to campaign at this point?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade." –Jay Leno

"With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!" –Jay Leno

"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming." –Jay Leno

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn't that Mitt Romney?" –David Letterman

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" –Stephen Colbert

"The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it's a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal of the next cast of Survivor? 'Survivor: Weiner Island.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. You see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone." –Jay Leno

"Weiner's beautiful wife Huma – she’s a beautiful woman if you’ve seen her – she is an aide for Hillary Clinton. I guess Hillary called Huma to console her while Anthony Weiner go a call from Bill going 'Yeah!'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, 'No, my hair is fine.'" –Jay Leno

"When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won't even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

“Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn’t spent the money on the new birth certificate." –David Letterman

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden's death. Or as Gadhafi's putting it, 'Uh oh.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." –Conan O'Brien

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, 'Don't worry, I sent her a text.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That's right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'soup.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it's resignation, and then you appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she'd like to see his wienerschnitzel." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen." –Jay Leno

"People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else." –Jay Leno

"Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it." –Jay Leno

"The beautiful star of the TV show 'Mad Men,' January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, 'Why can't I meet women like this?'" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself"

10. "Is this my best side?"

9. "Will this get me more followers?"

8. "Should I put it on Facebook instead?"

7. "Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?"

6. "Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?"

5. "What's the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?"

4. "Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?"

3. "What would Brett Favre do?"

2. "Isn't this what Twitter’s for?"

1. "What could possibly go wrong?"

June 3, 2011

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson

"This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid. She kept the child secret for 14 years. John Edwards is going, 'Why can't I meet a chick like that?'" –Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno

"President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world's top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, 'What are you doing here?'" –Jay Leno

"Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars." –Jay Leno

"There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, 'But that never stopped me before.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"CBS announced some new shows coming up, including 'Celebrity Housekeeper.' A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid." –David Letterman

I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view." –Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he "can't say with certitude" whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." –Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump's head." –Craig Ferguson

"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks