July 22, 2011

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson

"It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." –Craig Ferguson

"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

"I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?" –Stephen Colbert

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that the social network 'Google +' has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of 'friendship.'" –Bill Maher

"There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California since 'New Mexico' is already taken." –Jay Leno

"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston…. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they're called 'philosophy majors.'" –Jay Leno

"It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French." –David Letterman

‎"If Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips." –Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven't picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb." –Conan O'Brien

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that God is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno