July 29, 2011

"In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.' I'd never heard that. 'Red,' somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget." –Bill Maher

"Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times. And he asked a great question. He said, 'Can they say yes to anything?" A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said 'no.' What is the Democrats' next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya?" –Bill Maher

"Did you see Rupert Murdoch testifying before parliament in London this week. And his Chinese-born ninja wife? Did you see that, when the guy had the pie and she sprung into action? That's what I call a tiger MILF. That's the mystery of Asians to me. Lightening quick with cat-like reflexes, until they get behind the wheel." –Bill Maher

"In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a 'debt ceiling deal' for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, 'But if I can’t have that – iPad.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they'll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products." –Jay Leno

"I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain, migraines are not even in the top 20." –Jon Stewart

"The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady." –Jay Leno

"A couple of people who worked for the presidential candidate Michele Bachmann say that she gets these chronic migraines. That's been the story. To derail her candidacy a lot of people are trying to make it like it's a female thing, cause she gets these headaches. It's not. President Obama also has a chronic headache. It's called Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only difference." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald's added cheese and beef to their apple slices." –Conan O'Brien

"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? ... I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted 'The Bachelorette' to be like, 'Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'" –Jon Stewart

"The world’s saddest tangerine." –Jon Stewart on John Boehner

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card." –Conan O'Brien

"I heard that if we don't raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn't the auto club mind their own business?" –David Letterman

"A lot of people don't understand what the debt ceiling is. So everyone can understand, it's the ceiling for our debt." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's documentary, 'The Undefeated,' will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles." –Jimmy Fallon

"NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy." –Jay Leno

‎"Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news people, not random people with an AOL account." –Jon Stewart on Twitter pundits