August 12, 2011

"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno

"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien

"John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack." –Bill Maher

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF." –Bill Maher

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." –Bill Maher

"In the movie 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, 'Whew — good thing I lost!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." –Jay Leno

"There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game." –Jay Leno

"Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes." –Conan O'Brien

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets." –Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" –Jon Stewart

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel