August 5, 2011

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

"The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something." –Bill Maher

"The essence of the problem is something I've been saying for years. One party has no brains; the other party has no balls. Is it really too much to ask that there be one party with both?" –Bill Maher

"By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn't take it. The Democrats -- getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that's off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over." –Bill Maher

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions." –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That's what he said -- get their asses in line. This is typical Washington -- if it's not Obama kissing Wall Street's ass, it's Boehner kicking ass, or it's Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They're a bunch of asses." –Jay Leno

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

"Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That's how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." –Conan O'Brien

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno

"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno

‎"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon