September 16, 2011

"A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor." –Conan O'Brien

"A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, 'Hey, no rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended." –Jay Leno

"Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien

"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected." –Jay Leno

"Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks." –Jay Leno

"Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"The biggest applause line of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Holy f**kballs." –Jon Stewart, on the Republican presidential debate

"Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'" –Jay Leno

"Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?" –Jay Leno

"You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get." –Jay Leno

"Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon