September 23, 2011

"The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'The American dollar is strong.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math." –Jay Leno

"Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory." –Stephen Colbert

"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It's not like they're rocket scientists." –David Letterman

"President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix." –Craig Ferguson

"The military's controversial 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden." –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more." –David Letterman

“Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. ... These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” –Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.' Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead." –Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.” –Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.” –Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.” –Bill Maher

“After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said  she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, 'I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'm offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore.” –Bill Maher

“A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” –Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you're watching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, put them back in.” –Bill Maher

"On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life's work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look two to three pages longer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Sarah Palin documentary is coming out from the man who did 'Biggie and Tupac.' The Palin documentary is similar, but with more guns." –Conan O'Brien