September 30, 2011

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien

"You want to add another candidate? It's like the Republican primary is a season of 'American Idol' in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it's you?" –Jon Stewart to the GOP base

"It's like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, "You know, there's something wrong with this mirror." –Jon Stewart

"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." –Bill Maher

"Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates." –Bill Maher

"Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school." –Bill Maher

"You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter." –Bill Maher

"Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose an ally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

"There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo." –Jay Leno

"Bad day for the stock market. It's down nearly 400 points. They're calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he'll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that's impossible to understand." –Conan O'Brien

"At the U.N. today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin's website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she'll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn't just show up every day." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10. Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs

9. At debates, he mostly goes with, 'That's what she said'

8. Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter

7. He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters

6. His new slogan: 'C'mon!'

5. Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry

4. Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran

3. Even his wife is wearing a 'Herman Cain' button

2. Instead of 'Freedom' and 'Liberty,' his cowboy boots read 'It's' and 'Over'

1. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts