October 14, 2011

"The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, 'Who am I?'" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That's scary. What if they're spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?" –Craig Ferguson

"The protests are getting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump's hair and set it on fire." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, 'Oh, you'll see.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It's all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters." –Jimmy Fallon

"One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn't get any lower." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, 'Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien

"Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we've exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." –Conan O'Brien

"Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry has admitted that he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches." –David Letterman

"A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That's right, a mythical creature who probably doesn't exist. Or as Republicans call that, 'a presidential candidate.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?" –Jay Leno

“We found out why Sarah Palin won't run for president. She heard the job lasts four years." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said 'Look at me. Do I look like I'm ready to race anyone?'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black." –Bill Maher

"Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions." –Bill Maher

"There's a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don't pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year." –Jay Leno

"This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his." –Jay Leno

"Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected." –David Letterman

"The economy's so bad, I was in Central Park today. I saw pigeons feeding old people. To save money we had to fire two writers, so this joke I'm in the middle of right now has no punch line." –David Letterman

"Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won't be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less than no one' thinks they're doing a good job." –Jay Leno