April 29, 2011

"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon

"St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." –Jon Stewart

"There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are worried about the safety of America's nuclear power plants. It's important to remember that we've never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is in town, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A. Tomorrow he's back on the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Because when the other candidates aren't generating enough excitement, it's time to bring out Gary Johnson." –Conan O'Brien

"His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That's where it gets interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is in Los Angeles raising money for his campaign and meeting with Dr. 90210 about an ear tuck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Queen Elizabeth turned 85 today. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, 'Is she dead?'" –Craig Ferguson

"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

"Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, 'I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.' So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap." –Jay Leno

"It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it." –Jay Leno

“These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: 'Even I've never heard of me.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears." –Jay Leno

April 22, 2011

“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, 'Ah, so he is a Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working." –Conan O'Brien

"To celebrate Kim Jong Il's birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people." –Conan O'Brien

"The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama's critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, 'Be sure to watch 'Celebrity Apprentice.''" –Craig Ferguson

"Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One's full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry." –Craig Ferguson

"The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I'm talking to you, Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?''" –Bill Maher

"Pakistan says they are slowing down their hunt for bin Laden. Slowing it down? What is it, 10 years now? Could you go any slower?" –Jay Leno

"Barack Obama recently presented a powerful speech detailing his 2012 budget. And he kept the audience, including Vice President Joe Biden, on the edge of their consciousness." –Stephen Colbert

"A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage." –Craig Ferguson

"The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers?" –Jay Leno

"Barack and Michelle Obama will appear on Oprah's show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump's hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien

"It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan 'a con man who couldn't deliver the goods.' Trump also called Abraham Lincoln 'a bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama administration plans to give the Libyan rebels $25 million in non-lethal aid. The rebels look forward to starting an offensive with Super Soakers and t-shirt canons." –Conan O'Brien

"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen." –Conan O'Brien

"The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn't get to sleep." –Conan O'Brien

April 15, 2011

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal ... to screw each other." –David Letterman

"It was so lovely today in New York that Charlie Sheen was bombing in the park. So beautiful Southwest Airlines put in screens. So nice in D.C. that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas." –Conan O'Brien

"To avoid a shutdown, the government cut $39 billion from the budget. The first thing to go was 'Real Housewives of D.C.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?" –Jay Leno

"Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president." –Jay Leno

"If the government shuts down, all non-essential workers will stop coming to work. Here's my question: Why do we even have non-essential workers?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in 'Back to the Future 2,' when Biff was in charge." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." –Jimmy Fallon

"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno

"Toyota says they're going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

“America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at in that too." –Stephen Colbert

"Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head." –Jimmy Fallon

"Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House says we'll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn't see that coming." –David Letterman

"President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before." –Jay Leno

"Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno

"It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as 'not African-Americans.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, "I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market..." Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself." –Jay Leno

April 8, 2011

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that CIA agents have entered Libya. We're not sure how long they'll be staying, but some of them just left Vietnam." –Jay Leno

"If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News." –Jay Leno

"The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we’ll be fighting them." –David Letterman

"Uganda said Gaddafi could come live there in exile, which is amazing, because to Charlie Sheen they said no." –David Letterman

"On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was offered the first pitch for opening day, but he declined because he's a Muslim that hates our national pastime. Either that or he's busy with Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers." –Bill Maher

"Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead." –Bill Maher

"TLC will start airing new episodes of 'Kate Plus 8' starting this Monday. And they’re going to keep airing them until Gaddafi agrees to step down." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is saying President Obama doesn’t have a birth certificate. Let’s just say he doesn’t. What are we going to do now? Make him go get one?" –David Letterman

"If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Khadafy’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno

"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson

"Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he doesn't have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game 'Wii Budget Deal.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He’s not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He’s forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war." –Jon Stewart

"Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno

"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen's live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon

"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

April 1, 2011

"Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, 'Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squrmish, what is it?' Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, 'Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson

"Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad." –Jay Leno

"General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation." –Conan O'Brien

"About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say." –David Letterman

"I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are a**holes." –Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann threw her hat into the ring. We think she's going to be running for president. For those who find Sarah Palin too intellectual, Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?" –Bill Maher

"If Bachman and Palin get in to the presidential race, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.'" –Bill Maher

"It's so fun to watch the Republicans be pro-bombing, but against Obama who's doing it. Newt Gingrich was so discombobulated this week, he made a pass at his current wife." –Bill Maher

"According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic." –Jay Leno

"The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that." –Jay Leno

"There are reports coming out that Moammar Gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago. So that’s why he looks so good." –Jimmy Fallon