August 26, 2011

(It is the rerun season, so not that many new jokes-Blogger)

"Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?" –David Letterman

"The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center." –David Letterman

"On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini." –David Letterman

"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class." –David Letterman

"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating." –David Letterman

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

"The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third." –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Gaddafi's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Tripoli has fallen. S&P now calls it only double-E plus." -Blogger

August 19, 2011

"Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien

"A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration." -- Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America:

"You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."

"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race." –Jay Leno

"It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th." –Jay Leno

"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I'm sure 911 operators can't wait to get texts that say, 'Being carjacked, LOL.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." –Jon Stewart

‎‎"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." –Stephen Colbert

‎"The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked." –Jay Leno

August 12, 2011

"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno

"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien

"John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack." –Bill Maher

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF." –Bill Maher

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." –Bill Maher

"In the movie 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, 'Whew — good thing I lost!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." –Jay Leno

"There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game." –Jay Leno

"Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes." –Conan O'Brien

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets." –Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" –Jon Stewart

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

August 5, 2011

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

"The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something." –Bill Maher

"The essence of the problem is something I've been saying for years. One party has no brains; the other party has no balls. Is it really too much to ask that there be one party with both?" –Bill Maher

"By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn't take it. The Democrats -- getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that's off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over." –Bill Maher

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions." –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That's what he said -- get their asses in line. This is typical Washington -- if it's not Obama kissing Wall Street's ass, it's Boehner kicking ass, or it's Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They're a bunch of asses." –Jay Leno

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

"Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That's how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." –Conan O'Brien

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno

"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno

‎"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon