September 30, 2011

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien

"You want to add another candidate? It's like the Republican primary is a season of 'American Idol' in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it's you?" –Jon Stewart to the GOP base

"It's like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, "You know, there's something wrong with this mirror." –Jon Stewart

"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." –Bill Maher

"Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates." –Bill Maher

"Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school." –Bill Maher

"You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter." –Bill Maher

"Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose an ally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

"There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo." –Jay Leno

"Bad day for the stock market. It's down nearly 400 points. They're calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he'll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that's impossible to understand." –Conan O'Brien

"At the U.N. today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin's website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she'll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn't just show up every day." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10. Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs

9. At debates, he mostly goes with, 'That's what she said'

8. Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter

7. He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters

6. His new slogan: 'C'mon!'

5. Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry

4. Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran

3. Even his wife is wearing a 'Herman Cain' button

2. Instead of 'Freedom' and 'Liberty,' his cowboy boots read 'It's' and 'Over'

1. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts

September 23, 2011

"The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'The American dollar is strong.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math." –Jay Leno

"Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory." –Stephen Colbert

"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It's not like they're rocket scientists." –David Letterman

"President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix." –Craig Ferguson

"The military's controversial 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden." –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more." –David Letterman

“Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. ... These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” –Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.' Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead." –Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.” –Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.” –Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.” –Bill Maher

“After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said  she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, 'I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'm offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore.” –Bill Maher

“A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” –Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you're watching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, put them back in.” –Bill Maher

"On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life's work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look two to three pages longer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Sarah Palin documentary is coming out from the man who did 'Biggie and Tupac.' The Palin documentary is similar, but with more guns." –Conan O'Brien

September 16, 2011

"A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor." –Conan O'Brien

"A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, 'Hey, no rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended." –Jay Leno

"Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien

"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected." –Jay Leno

"Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks." –Jay Leno

"Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"The biggest applause line of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people. Holy f**kballs." –Jon Stewart, on the Republican presidential debate

"Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'" –Jay Leno

"Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?" –Jay Leno

"You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get." –Jay Leno

"Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon 

September 9, 2011

"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel." –David Letterman

"The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction." –David Letterman

"During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because 'the states could do a gooder job.'" –Jay Leno

"Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs." –Stephen Colbert

"According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman." –Jay Leno

"One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann." –Conan O'Brien

"The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at." –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush's niece was married over the weekend. The wedding was rodeo-themed, just like Bush's presidency." –David Letterman

"Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work." –David Letterman

"President Obama's uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating." –David Letterman

"New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that's the price you pay for living in an island paradise." –David Letterman

"President Obama's uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president's life was Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"I read Dick Cheney's book. … If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section." –Jay Leno

"The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands?" –David Letterman

"The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet." –Jimmy Fallon

"The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry." –Jay Leno

"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman

"Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?" –David Letterman