December 21, 2012

Late night comedy mostly being suspended honoring the victims at Sandy Hook Elementary. I will not have any update this week. Hope to see you next week.

December 14, 2012

"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered" –David Letterman

"Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'" –Jay Leno

"Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that." –Jay Leno

"The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place." –Jay Leno

"Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?" –Jay Leno

"A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein." –Conan O'Brien

"A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We’re planning to replace you in 6 months.'" –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Barbara Walters has released part of her 'Most Fascinating People' list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That's right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, 'I'd invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, 'Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside." –Conan O'Brien

"Because of climate change, "Frosty the Snowman" has a new name. Now he's called 'Frosty the Puddle.'" –David Letterman

"The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. In response, India said, 'Fine, just try logging on to your computers now.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing." –David Letterman

"The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became the 'Triangle.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner says that his efforts to work with President Obama on the fiscal cliff have resulted in a lot of talk but 'no action.' Yeah, a lot of talk but no action – or as I called that in college, 'a date.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans." –Jay Leno

"The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest." –Conan O'Brien

"Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea's successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea." –Jimmy Fallon

"A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody." –Jay Leno

"The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican." -Conan O'Brien

"Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word 'Hickenlooper.'" –Jimmy Fallon

“Al Qaeda's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today Al Qaeda's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family." –Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he's taking steps to run for president once again. He says he's seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, 'You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won't remember in three years." – Conan O'Brien

"Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?" –David Letterman

"McDonald's reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the European Union. The peace prize is awarded in Oslo. When someone told me, I said, 'Norway?' He said, 'Yes, way.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The EU was founded in 1993 to ensure that no European nation ever start another war. By European nation, they mean 'Germany.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I think the EU should expand and bring peace to the world's more troubled region. Perhaps the set of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Who accepts the Nobel Prize if it goes to a group? It has to be someone not associated with any one country. Someone beloved by all of Europe for no reason at all. David Hasselhoff will go and collect the prize." –Craig Ferguson

December 6, 2012

"President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, 'So how much do you want for the place.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said 'Romney has no dignity.' Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity." –Conan O'Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner’s office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner’s unsure what they were protesting, but says he'll definitely keep doing it." –Conan O'Brien

"A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars' worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study says the average American now weighs 176 pounds. May not sound too bad to you. But the study was conducted at elementary schools." –Conan O'Brien

"Mexico’s new president said his country’s problems with the U.S. aren’t just about drugs and border security. He said it’s really about America’s insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, folks, only 28 more shopping days till we go off the Fiscal Cliff." –Conan O'Brien

"Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? people don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.' That says danger. People understand that." –Jay Leno

"Over Thanksgiving Joe Biden was in a cold-turkey ocean plunge fundraiser. The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently." –Jay Leno

"Jeff Zucker, the former head of NBC, is taking over CNN. And today Wolf Blitzer announced in five years he's stepping aside for Conan O'Brien." –Craig Ferguson

"Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any." –Craig Ferguson

"The investigation concluded that Britain's current press watchdog has no teeth. I'm like, it's Britain. Who the heck does?" –Craig Ferguson

"The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their 'For the last time, we're not Muslim' campaign." –Conan O'Brien

"Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn't come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he'd be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him." –Conan O'Brien

"It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it." –David Letterman

"I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them." –David Letterman

"Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 'Sophia' and 'Aiden' were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky." –Jimmy Fallon

"Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president – though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian." –Craig Ferguson

"Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson

"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? There's one right there." –Jay Leno

"I think it's great that Romney's getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno

"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno

"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien

"Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who's never had a job." –Conan O'Brien

"The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman

November 30, 2012

 "President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us." –Jay Leno

"President Obama pardoned the White House turkey, and then the turkey forgave him for the bad economy, so it worked nice." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that's when you  know you're rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day." –Jay Leno

"France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before." –Jay Leno

"Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas' missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play." –Jay Leno

"NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on." –Bill Maher

"Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats." –Bill Maher

"The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama." –Bill Maher

November 23, 2012

"Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway   through the show they voted to secede." --David   Letterman

  "Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady   promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan   O'Brien

 "Facebook  just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to   create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2   million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's   time for you to get a job." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It's called   Facebook." --Jimmy Kimmel

 "Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being   re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying   to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals   include jobs for women and Just For Men." --Jimmy Fallon

 "During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron   Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because   he's actually one of the guys who signed it." --Jimmy Fallon

 "The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson   holding a sign that said, 'Will coach for food.'" --Jay Leno

  "The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen."   --Jay Leno

 "The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend   it." --Jay Leno

 "It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I   guess he figured, 'Why not?' Those questions can't be any tougher than   the ones he's getting at home right now." --Jay Leno

  "See, when a general tells his wife, 'I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan," technically he's not lying." --Jay Leno

  "A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she   blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair.   If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to   run over her husband with an American-made car." --Jay Leno

  "There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The   signatures are from every state but Texas." --Conan O'Brien

 "The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this   afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables.   It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." --David   Letterman

  "This David Patraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. In a   weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver's license of   Patraeus's mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her   driver's license because under sex it said, 'Lots with David Patraeus.'"   --Jimmy Fallon

"'Skyfall,' the number one movie at the box office this week, made   over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film.   There's not a lot of sex in the movie -- it's very downplayed. See,   James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA."   --Jay Leno

  "Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently   she did very well with swing voters." --Conan O'Brien

   "The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it   actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume   the game has plenty of cheat codes." --Jimmy Fallon

  "Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The   jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called   it 'a start.'" --Jimmy Fallon

November 15, 2012

"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney" –David Letterman

"Karl Rove was running the Republican deal. He spent $400 million to try to get his party in power. They don't know what happened. The Republicans are confused and scratching their heads. They won't know what happened until they find the black box." –David Letterman

"I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over." –David Letterman

"His wife Ann said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'" –David Letterman

"Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City and the tri-state area we need another snowstorm event like the Republicans need another old white guy." –David Letterman

"I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line." –David Letterman

"What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol.'" –Jay Leno

"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno

"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." –Jay Leno

"NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer." –Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno

"It has been two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done and they're like, 'The winner is – Al Gore?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are now a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence." –Jimmy Fallon

"If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like, 'What do you mean if we do nothing?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They are still counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living." –Conan O'Brien

"Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan." –Bill Maher

"Karl Rove said today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent." –Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC

"The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher

"It's got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen." –Bill Maher

"Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me." –Bill Maher

"The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't have a chance." –Jay Leno

"The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today." –Jay Leno 

"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet."  –Jay Leno

"I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years." –David Letterman

"There's a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, 'What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a 'fiscal cliff.' The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was 'Forward.'" –Jay Leno

"We're in great shape. The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us over a cliff." –Jay Leno

"Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here's the only good thing. We don't have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff." –David Letterman

"James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?" –David Letterman

"There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?" –Craig Ferguson

"No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he's in for one awkward Thanksgiving." –Craig Ferguson

"This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, 'Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Even Mike Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" –Seth Meyers

November 9, 2012

 "Congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders." –Jay Leno

"A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her." –Jimmy Fallon

"Italy's former prime minster Sylvia Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination." –Jay Leno

"Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

"Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said now that the election is over, he's going to take a vacation. He's been vice president for four years. That is a vacation!" –Jay Leno

"This morning the stock met plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money out." –Jay Leno

After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, it's over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won." –David Letterman

"Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool." –David Letterman

"A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters." –David Letterman

"The had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free." –David Letterman

"The long national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls. The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy is alive and well — even if Florida was more confused than an old person with an iPhone." –Craig Ferguson

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson

"The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That's a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." –Jimmy Fallon

And finally, as with most Daily Shows, this is better viewed than read: Jon Stewart the day after the election, with Nate Silver as the guest.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/wed-november-7-2012-nate-silver

November 2, 2012

"Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning." –Bill Maher

"We had the last presidential debate. A very subdued Mitt Romney I thought. If you saw it, Obama would talk, and then Mitt would say, 'what he said, but from a white guy.'" –Bill Maher

"In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it's too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they're okay with it. At this point they're like Jerry Sandusky's wife." –Bill Maher

"Today Mitt Romney picked up the endorsement of Meat Loaf. When Chris Christie heard that Meat Loaf was behind Romney, he pushed Romney out of the way." –Bill Maher

"Today Mitt Romney advised that men should head for the shelters and women should remain in their binders." –Bill Maher

"If these evangelical Republicans were any more anti-woman, I would think that they're repressed homo…wait a second!" –Bill Maher

"You know who is celebrating a birthday? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He'll be 55 years old on Sunday. The United States has put severe sanctions on his cake." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump has been fired from managing the upscale condominium in New York City known as 'Trump Place.' The condominium board fired him. Finally a job loss Obama can be happy about. " –Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She'll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party”–Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm looking forward to interviewing the first lady. I sat next to her when I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner. But it's hard to have a conversation with Newt Gingrich yelling 'You gonna eat that' over and over again in my ear." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person." –Craig Ferguson

"Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos." –David Letterman

"Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina." –Jimmy Kimmel

"That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee's employee of the week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn't ring the bell, didn't knock on the door. I said, 'Who are you supposed to be?' He said, 'I'm an undecided voter.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records." –Jay Leno

"Due to the tough economy, two of the world's biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they're only going to publish one book this year – '50 Shades of Harry Potter.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert

"New Jersey took a pounding. Governor Chris Christie was actually knocked over." –David Letterman

"I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It's hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you guys caught the show last night, but because of Hurricane Sandy, we had to do the show to a bunch of empty seats — or as Clint Eastwood calls that, 'a full house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We're still dealing with Hurricane Sandy here in New York. A lot of people on the East Coast don't have access to Facebook or Twitter. Everybody was like, "How am I supposed to complain about not having Facebook or Twitter if I don't have Facebook or Twitter?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe." –Jay Leno

"The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home." –Conan O'Brien

"Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over hurricane sandy. She said the correct time to panic is if anyone sees her in a rental car. Then you should evacuate the area." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics." –Conan O'Brien

"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers." –Conan O'Brien

"The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but today Detroit asked for another bailout." –Jay Leno

"It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone." –David Letterman

"President Obama said that Americans should take warnings about Hurricane Sandy seriously. So step one: Give it a name other than Sandy. I mean, come on." –Jimmy Fallon

October 26, 2012

"Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks." –Conan O'Brien

"The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, 'a tween.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples." –David Letterman

"The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season." –Jay Leno

"Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to 'candidate you disagree with,' and he didn't let 'the guy who should be president' respond to those 'outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view.'" –Craig Ferguson

“Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol … to Eeyore eating a whole cheesecake.” –Stephen Colbert

"Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!" –Stephen Colbert

"A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number." –Seth Meyers

"Gallup had Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food." –Bill Maher

"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall." -Bill Maher

"Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades." -Bill Maher

"The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer's lair and what do they find? Binders of women…and then they open the freezer and a head falls out." –Bill Maher

"He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote in not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, 'I'm wearing cotton right now.'" –Bill Maher

"Today Joe Walsh, the congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you." -Bill Maher

"Most of the people who will be disenfranchised are black, Latino, young people; basically anyone that can dance." –Bill Maher on voter fraud laws

"You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg." –Conan O'Brien

"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien

Jay Leno to Obama: "What's this thing with Trump and you? It's like me and Letterman. I don't get it."

Obama: "This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya."

"Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states." –Jay Leno

"Even though he's spending all day on Air Force One, there's an office on the plane where the president can work. It's just like being in Washington. He's got the desk, he's got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do." –Jay Leno

"Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty." –David Letterman

"A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: 'The Mittuation.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don't care who they're with, as long as they get that burger. " –Jimmy Fallon

 "Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats." –David Letterman

"Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch." –David Letterman

"After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money." –David Letterman

"Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that's a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don't know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night's debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election." –Jimmy Fallon

"During last night's debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as 'Obama bin Laden.' Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, 'We'll take him!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.'" –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, 'The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.' Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off." –Jay Leno

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

October 19, 2012

"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president." –Conan O'Brien

"Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It's an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight's debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman Ryan prepared for Thursday's debate by studying policy and holding practice debates, and I think Biden prepared by shot gunning Red Bull and watching Yosemite Sam cartoons." –Seth Meyers

"During Thursday's debate Vice President Biden repeatedly criticized Paul Ryan's statements calling them a 'bunch of stuff.' In fairness, 'a bunch of stuff' is the entire text of the Romney/Ryan economic plan." –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

"I thought Biden was awesome. During the whole debate, I kept thinking to myself, 'I hope he keeps that very nice sleepy black guy on the ticket.'" –Bill Maher

"Liberals were freaking out [after the first Presidential debate] and they were borderline suicidal, which is tough on them because when you lock yourself in the garage with the Prius running, nothing happens." –Bill Maher

"It was reported today that Lindsay Lohan is leaning toward Romney, and she also said she might vote for him." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions." –Bill Maher

"But in his defense, the abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless." –Bill Maher

"Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch." –Bill Maher

"One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360." –Bill Maher

"I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I'm going to try to tell these jokes before Joe Biden interrupts me." –Jimmy Fallon

"Paul Ryan accused Joe Biden of underdeveloped triceps." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was in Ohio stumping for Mitt Romney. It was felt as far north as Canada." –David Letterman

"There were a couple of really funny jokes during the [vice Presidential] debate. Like when Paul Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies, and the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as 'my friend.'" –Jay Leno

"The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filing cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe for Mitt Romney that's the closest he's ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever." –Jon Stewart

"The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy." –Stephen Colbert, on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate

"Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet." –Craig Ferguson

October 12, 2012

Jon Stewart on PBS: "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

"I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a sh*tty recipe." –Jon Stewart

"Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week's presidential debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it's been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate." –Jay Leno

"The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week's Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?" –Seth Meyers

"New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers." –Bill Maher

"Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left." –Bill Maher

"I'm sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It's like he took my million and spent it all on weed." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert." –Bill Maher

"At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him." –Bill Maher

"You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else." –Bill Maher

"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird." –David Letterman

"It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood." –Stephen Colbert

"Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'" –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate

"He just told the moderator -- who works at PBS -- I'm going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn't just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha!" –Stephen Colbert, impersonating Sesame Street's The Count, referring to Romney's attack on the popular children's show

The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.

"President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he's going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It's interesting -- one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote." –David Letterman

"A lot of people disappointed in President Obama's performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, 'At the next debate, no more angry birds.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the last one either." –David Letterman

"Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents." –Jay Leno

"This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, 'That's too many locations, man.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe – well, you're probably one of them." –Jimmy Fallon

October 5, 2012

"President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory." –Conan O'Brien

"While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, 'Burrito?' And Romney was like, 'Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud." –Jay Leno

"In Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper's son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent." –Conan O'Brien

“At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, 'The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.' Which candidate is he campaigning for? I'm confused." –Jay Leno

"A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

"Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!" –Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was interviewed on '60 Minutes.' He revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren't official because the couples couldn't understand what Arnold was saying." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement." –David Letterman

"Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole." –Jay Leno

"The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It's unfathomably complex, like string theory. You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has 'blown up in his face' and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?" –Jay Leno 

September 28, 2012

"Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more." –Seth Meyers

"The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points." –Seth Meyers

"Even republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They're very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly." –Bill Maher

"In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?" –Jay Leno

"Obama has gone from 'Yes we can.' to 'I'm sorry. No one can.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can't do it, and he's got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship.'" –Jay Leno

"I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself." –Conan O'Brien

"New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney's campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after recent polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn't earned that win yet, which is why today the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway." –Jimmy Fallon

"At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent." –Conan O'Brien

"It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET." –Conan O'Brien

"Let me tell you how crazy Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is. Today he actually defended the NFL's replacement refs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again." –Jay Leno

"Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is always angry. Yesterday he said, however, that in fact he does not hate gay people. He went on to say that Iran is on its way to developing one of its own." –David Letterman

"The latest Quinnipiac, New York Times, CBS, TCBY poll has Obama up by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania. I don't get it. How could Romney be behind? He's so popular, fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches." –Stephen Colbert

"God is three undecided voters: the father, the son and the holy spirit. You gotta figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair, and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie!" –Stephen Colbert

"Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, 'Look at these crowds!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?" –Jay Leno

"A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college." –Jay Leno

"The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls." –Craig Ferguson

September 21, 2012

"A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton." –Seth Meyers

"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this because he's weak. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information." –Bill Maher

"He told us all about their sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'" –Bill Maher

"It's Fall. Unless you're Mitt Romney, and then it's freefall." –David Letterman

"I like Mitt. Listen to this. He has alienated the young people, alienated the old people, alienated women, alienated minorities, alienated gays. I'm telling you, this takes talent." –David Letterman

"Romney said he doesn’t watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ because if Romney wants to see rich people say dumb things on camera he can watch that fundraiser video." –Jimmy Fallon

"What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters." –Stephen Colbert

"Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith." –Stephen Colbert

"As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. And believe, if there's one thing that President Obama is good at lately, it's lowering expectations." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno

"All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth." –Jay Leno

"A Pakistani man died yesterday after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. Good! Thank you. See, let me show you how incredible that is. We don't have to defend the American flag. It can defend itself." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning...But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people." –Conan O'Brien

"It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." –Stephen Colbert, on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side"

"According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work." –Jay Leno

"Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray." –Jay Leno

"I'm watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?" –Jay Leno

"All over the world people are chanting, 'Death to America.' Except in China, where they're chanting, 'Not until we get our money back.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that's one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won't get." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, 'Soon-ish.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called 'Total Recall.' In response, she's written a book about their affair called 'Alien vs. Predator.'" –Conan O'Brien

September 14, 2012

"The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus." –Bill Maher

"The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Bill Maher

"Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape." –Bill Maher

"Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, 'No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton was just devastating in his simplicity. He said, 'I came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was four.' And over at Fox News they said, 'Get the fact checkers on that.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton killed them with one word: arithmetic. He said Republicans lack skills in arithmetic, which by the way, is not fair to Sarah Palin because if there's one thing her family has proved it can do is multiply." –Bill Maher

"It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions." –Jay Leno

The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt, you just keep demanding that Americans answer the question: are you better off than you were four years ago? But just don't answer it yourself, cause that would mean releasing more than two years of tax returns." –Stephen Colbert

"Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it's pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years." –Jay Leno

"We got some bad economic news. The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world's most competitive economies. We're now #7. Switzerland is number one. Romney said, 'See, that's why I keep my money there.'" –Jay Leno

"Computer hackers claim to have stolen Mitt Romney's tax returns and are willing to leak them publicly unless the Romney campaign agrees to pay them $1 million. This is such an unethical money-making scheme that Mitt Romney said he was quite impressed. 'I could use these guys at Bain Capital.'" –Jay Leno

"The signature question of this presidential campaign is, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off." –Jay Leno

"Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake." –David Letterman

"A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney's depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation." –Jimmy Fallon

"A recent poll found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, 'Wow, you too?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, members of Mitt Romney's own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, 'Maybe.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?" –Conan O'Brien

"In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is 'The Goonies.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don't know if that's wise. It's not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers." –Craig Ferguson

"Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama's re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm a little surprised. I've always known Snoop to have his mind on his money and his money on his mind, and that's more of a Mitt Romney thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon