January 27, 2012

"President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, 'The state of our union is open.'" –Conan O'Brien

“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, 'I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'" –Conan O’Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"What's interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren't running for president. They're running to be Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins visited the White House. President Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia." –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney on Saturday (in South Carolina). … Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators." –Stephen Colbert

"You're not a Washington insider? You, the former Speaker of the House and Freddie Mac consulting millionaire, are the Washington insider. When Washington gets its prostate checked, it tickles you!" –Jon Stewart, on Newt Gingrich campaigning as a Washington outsider

"Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled 'Twin Peaks.' What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?" –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

"Newt was mad. He said 'I am not a philanderer; I am a blow job creator.'" –Bill Maher

"Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney's got a look on his face like, 'Three women at once? Who's the Mormon in this race?'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee." -Bill Maher

"New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?" –Bill Maher

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won't release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss." –Jay Leno

"Last night... anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the 'hippo' in 'Hypocrite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress." –Jay Leno

January 20, 2012

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?" –Jay Leno

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

"(It's) basically a money placenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath of strategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable." –Stephen Colbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his PAC

Rick Perry from Monday's debate: "South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration."

Jon Stewart: "War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?"

Mitt Romney on MSNBC: "If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house."

Jon Stewart: "Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?"

(After showing Newt Gingrich's debate comments that he would help poor African Americans get and keep a job instead of receive food stamps.)

Jon Stewart: "And so it was that on Martin Luther King Day, Newt Gingrich shared his vision of an America where people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by him, Newt Gingrich. And he finds them lazy."

"When Mitt Romney heard a story about people getting pissed on, he launched into his defense of venture capitalism." –Bill Maher regarding the video of American soldiers urinating on Afghan bodies

"Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I'm not kidding. Sarah Palin's formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don't know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings." –Bill Maher

"The third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Especially, if you’re a Broncos fan supporting Jon Huntsman." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, 'I'm also lonely!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to the exit polls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to really white. He won across the board." –Jay Leno

"It's been a tough week for Jon Huntsman. In addition to dropping out of the race, earlier this week he found out he was not really a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don't know, but that question's out there now." –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

"A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip." –Jay Leno

"An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets." –Jay Leno

"Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that's making its way through Congress right now. I'll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words 'Obama' and 'well done' appeared in the same sentence." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race"

10. "Who's Jon Huntsman?"

9. "Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?"

8. "Seriously, who's Jon Huntsman?"

7. "You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that's Stan Huntsman"

6. "Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious"

5. "So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry"

4. "It's like Jon Huntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said"

3. "Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race"

2. "He should have Tebowed more"

1. "Now who's gonna lose to Obama in the general election?"

January 13, 2012

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there's a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men's briefs.” –David Letterman

"Ron Paul - he looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain is back. He's planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno

"A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

"Tonight is the new season of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries." –Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, 'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me." –Conan O'Brien

"I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

"During yesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow." –Jimmy Fallon

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth." –Conan O'Brien

"I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there." –Craig Ferguson

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman finished third ... and he said he's happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it's got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you're saying, 'We're happy to be landing ahead of schedule.'" –Jay Leno

"According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again." –Jay Leno

"The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians." –Craig Ferguson

"Ron Paul said he's 'nibbling at mitt Romney's heels.' At 76 years old, I hope somebody's cutting Romney's heels into bite-sized pieces for him." –Craig Ferguson

"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

"Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled 'The Best President.' Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right." –David Letterman

"Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"Nation, unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing you voted for Ron Paul." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word 'contraception.' I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman." –Stephen Colbert

January 6, 2012

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien

"Iowa is a state in the Midwest that manufactures pigs, corn and old people." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien

"I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed." –Jay Leno

"John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. … Now, it didn’t help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months." –Conan O'Brien

"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman

"So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo." –David Letterman

"There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore." –David Letterman

"(Rick) Santorum did so well, a restaurant in Boone, Iowa, named its chicken salad after him. They also have the Mitt Romney waffle, the Ron Paul cracker, and the Newt Gingrich chubby hubby ice cream." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote." –Jay Leno

"Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all." –Craig Ferguson