January 13, 2012

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there's a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men's briefs.” –David Letterman

"Ron Paul - he looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain is back. He's planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno

"A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

"Tonight is the new season of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries." –Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, 'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me." –Conan O'Brien

"I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

"During yesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow." –Jimmy Fallon

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth." –Conan O'Brien

"I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there." –Craig Ferguson

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman finished third ... and he said he's happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it's got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you're saying, 'We're happy to be landing ahead of schedule.'" –Jay Leno

"According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again." –Jay Leno

"The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians." –Craig Ferguson

"Ron Paul said he's 'nibbling at mitt Romney's heels.' At 76 years old, I hope somebody's cutting Romney's heels into bite-sized pieces for him." –Craig Ferguson

"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

"Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled 'The Best President.' Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right." –David Letterman

"Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"Nation, unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing you voted for Ron Paul." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word 'contraception.' I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman." –Stephen Colbert