January 20, 2012

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?" –Jay Leno

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

"(It's) basically a money placenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath of strategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable." –Stephen Colbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his PAC

Rick Perry from Monday's debate: "South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration."

Jon Stewart: "War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?"

Mitt Romney on MSNBC: "If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house."

Jon Stewart: "Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?"

(After showing Newt Gingrich's debate comments that he would help poor African Americans get and keep a job instead of receive food stamps.)

Jon Stewart: "And so it was that on Martin Luther King Day, Newt Gingrich shared his vision of an America where people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by him, Newt Gingrich. And he finds them lazy."

"When Mitt Romney heard a story about people getting pissed on, he launched into his defense of venture capitalism." –Bill Maher regarding the video of American soldiers urinating on Afghan bodies

"Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I'm not kidding. Sarah Palin's formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don't know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings." –Bill Maher

"The third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Especially, if you’re a Broncos fan supporting Jon Huntsman." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, 'I'm also lonely!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to the exit polls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to really white. He won across the board." –Jay Leno

"It's been a tough week for Jon Huntsman. In addition to dropping out of the race, earlier this week he found out he was not really a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don't know, but that question's out there now." –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

"A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip." –Jay Leno

"An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets." –Jay Leno

"Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that's making its way through Congress right now. I'll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words 'Obama' and 'well done' appeared in the same sentence." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race"

10. "Who's Jon Huntsman?"

9. "Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?"

8. "Seriously, who's Jon Huntsman?"

7. "You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that's Stan Huntsman"

6. "Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious"

5. "So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry"

4. "It's like Jon Huntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said"

3. "Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race"

2. "He should have Tebowed more"

1. "Now who's gonna lose to Obama in the general election?"