January 6, 2012

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien

"Iowa is a state in the Midwest that manufactures pigs, corn and old people." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien

"I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed." –Jay Leno

"John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. … Now, it didn’t help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months." –Conan O'Brien

"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman

"So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo." –David Letterman

"There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore." –David Letterman

"(Rick) Santorum did so well, a restaurant in Boone, Iowa, named its chicken salad after him. They also have the Mitt Romney waffle, the Ron Paul cracker, and the Newt Gingrich chubby hubby ice cream." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote." –Jay Leno

"Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all." –Craig Ferguson