February 10, 2012

“It is Mormon in America again. What a week Mitt Romney had. He won Florida. It looks like he’s on the way to the nomination. If only he could stop talking.” –Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich jumped on Romney’s gaffe. He said he does care about the poor people, he loves the very poor. In fact, under his plan, poor black people would be the first ones he’s sending up to the moon colony.” –Bill Maher

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore...but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” –Bill Maher

“At a rally at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich by endorsing Mitt Romney.” –Seth Meyers

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” –Jay Leno

‎‎"I will not be satisfied until super PAC means, 'a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics.'" –Stephen Colbert

‎"To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

“The next caucus is this Saturday in Nevada. See, Nevada has something for all the candidates. It's got legalized prostitution, which is part of Ron Paul's campaign; it's got a large Mormon population, which is good for Mitt Romney; it welcomes losers, which is perfect for Rick Santorum; and it's got no-fault divorce, which is tailor-made for Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That's just to protect him from the poor.” –Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's restaurant to show that he's a normal American... just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn't spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d'.” –Jay Leno

“Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.” –Jay Leno

“There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He’s dropped Tiffany and he’s buying all of his jewelry on QVC now.” –Jay Leno

“After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.” –Conan O'Brien

“It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor.” –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement." –David Letterman

"It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him." –David Letterman

"A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies." –Conan O'Brien

"Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get." –Jay Leno

"There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that's still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

 “According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It's always the voters who get screwed - right?” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he's a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said he doesn't really care about poor people. Now he's backtracking, and he's saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welker.” –David Letterman

 “Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” –Jimmy Fallon

 “President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” –Jay Leno

“One of the most talked about commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House." –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.” –David Letterman