February 17, 2012

“They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman

“They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich visited the San Diego Zoo yesterday and had fun with a panda. It was amazing. Here you have this massive creature that’s nearly extinct, and then of course there was the panda.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.” –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” –David letterman

“Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” –Conan O'Brien

“You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

"Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“We have a new frontrunner for the Republicans, Rick Santorum…the little creep that could.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes.” –Bill Maher

“The other weakness is an ability to find a candidate he can beat. If there was just some way he could run against Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will postiion him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that's reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.” –Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon's new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm's way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.” –Seth Meyers

“On Tuesday President Barack Obama called New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin to congratulate him on his Super Bowl victory. He tried to call the Patriots too, but the call was dropped.” –Seth Meyers

“Have you noticed Romney doesn't even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck.” –Jay Leno

“At the big conservative CPAC convention today, Newt Gingrich was introduced by his wife Calista. She said, 'Newt Gingrich is a man you can trust. I can't trust him, but you, you people...'" Jay Leno

“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn't believe in evolution.” –Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he's mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” –Conan O'Brien

“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he's too affluent. Romney was talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” –Conan O’Brien

“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” –Jimmy Fallon