February 24, 2012

“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien

“China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” –David Letterman

“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney could lose his home state of Michigan. He keeps shooting himself in the foot. He wrote an Op-Ed in the Detroit newspaper reminding them that he opposed the automobile bailout. And then he kicked off his Wisconsin ‘f**k cheese’ tour.” –Bill Maher

"Here's the good news for liberals. A new poll shows that Santorum and Romney are beating each other up so bad that Obama is now ahead of both of them – another tragic result of white-on-white crime." –Bill Maher

"The FDA came out with a study. They discovered lead in 400 different types of lipstick. And that's just from samples taken from Newt Gingrich's penis." –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum's tax returns show that last year, he paid doubled the tax rate that Mitt Romney paid. Romney is much more clever with the deductions. He writes off poor people.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use weed whacker. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that after his last colonoscopy he went to confession. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He is so conservative he thinks male bankers should only screw over female customers. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he won't even go to Home Depot to get wood. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He is so conservative he won't even acknowledge the planet Uranus. That's how bad...” –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics, not science. And he said he'll defend that position to the edge of the earth. "If I have to fall off..." –Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum says that if he's elected, he's going to leave the interns alone and just screw the American people directly.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won't even let the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all.” –Conan O’Brien

“Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.” –Conan O’Brien

“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney's economic plan.” –Craig Ferguson

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno

“You think he's bad... Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno

“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno

“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” –David Letterman

“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular." –Jay Leno

"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

"Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail." –Conan O'Brien

"It’s National Pancake Week. Of course Mitt Romney was in a debate tonight, so it’s also National Waffle Week." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the White House they're recovering after last night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him." –Craig Ferguson