April 27, 2012

"After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. 'Well, I guess you're stuck with me.'" –Jay Leno

"Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA." –Jay Leno

"Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts." –Jay Leno

"For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one." –Jay Leno

"Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something." –Bill Maher

"The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher, on the Secret Service prostitution scandal

"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher

"Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That's what you call a trade deficit." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Google, I am shocked. You stole people's personal information without their permission? That is Facebook's job!" –Jon Stewart

April 19, 2012

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’" –Bill Maher

"Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself." –Bill Maher

"Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is up to his chins in debt." –David Letterman

"Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 13, 2012

“Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll - or, as the Republicans call it, 'President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.'” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt at his house as well. Although he does it a little bit differently; he hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest of eggs. They go to Caymans, they go to Switzerland... they travel all over.” –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter." –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He say people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats.” –Conan O'Brien

"The FBI is reporting that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who's paying attention and taking notes." –Conan O’Brien

“You know what's funny? Both President Obama and Mitt Romney are calling each other ‘out of touch.’ See, being considered ‘out of touch’ is bad for a candidate. On the other hand, as Herman Cain and John Edwards have showed us, touching too much is also bad... there's a fine line. A very fine line.” –Jay Leno

“According to a recent study, most people think that they are thinner than they really are. Which explains why the other day I saw Newt Gingrich buying a Speedo at Forever 21.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” –Jay Leno

“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?” –Jay Leno

“A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!’” –Jimmy Fallon

"Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it's time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels." –Jimmy Kimmel

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America." –David Letterman

"Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he's the guy who was going to fix our economy." –David Letterman

"Miami Marlins' manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he's apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez." –Jay Leno

"Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

April 6, 2012

“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you're not just losers. You're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” –Jay Leno

“There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half.” –Jay Leno

“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on 'The Biggest Loser' tomorrow night and will bring the overweight contestants to the East Room for a workout. You get the feeling that's about the only way Newt Gingrich is ever going to get in the White House?” –Jay Leno

“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he's in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” –Jay Leno

“I guess Mitt Romney's staff played an April Fools' joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” –Jay Leno

“No, this is true; I guess his staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

“Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.” –Jimmy Fallon

"This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"Bad news for George Zimmerman of Florida, everyone still hates him for killing a teenager over Skittles. The bright side for him, he just won the Hunger Games." –Bill Maher

"George Zimmerman's family has been all over TV this week. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you'd know about it." –Bill Maher

"Tonight was the big Mega Millions drawing. Mega Millions, isn't that Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name?" –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, ‘Jelly Belly Factory’ was also Newt Gingrich’s nickname in college.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

 “The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world's most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow.” –Jay Leno

“Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide." –David Letterman

“Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels.” –David Letterman

“Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent.” –Jay Leno

"The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jon Stewart