April 13, 2012

“Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll - or, as the Republicans call it, 'President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.'” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt at his house as well. Although he does it a little bit differently; he hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest of eggs. They go to Caymans, they go to Switzerland... they travel all over.” –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter." –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He say people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats.” –Conan O'Brien

"The FBI is reporting that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who's paying attention and taking notes." –Conan O’Brien

“You know what's funny? Both President Obama and Mitt Romney are calling each other ‘out of touch.’ See, being considered ‘out of touch’ is bad for a candidate. On the other hand, as Herman Cain and John Edwards have showed us, touching too much is also bad... there's a fine line. A very fine line.” –Jay Leno

“According to a recent study, most people think that they are thinner than they really are. Which explains why the other day I saw Newt Gingrich buying a Speedo at Forever 21.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” –Jay Leno

“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?” –Jay Leno

“A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!’” –Jimmy Fallon

"Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it's time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels." –Jimmy Kimmel

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America." –David Letterman

"Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he's the guy who was going to fix our economy." –David Letterman

"Miami Marlins' manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he's apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez." –Jay Leno

"Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago." –Jimmy Fallon