April 19, 2012

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’" –Bill Maher

"Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself." –Bill Maher

"Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is up to his chins in debt." –David Letterman

"Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel