April 27, 2012

"After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. 'Well, I guess you're stuck with me.'" –Jay Leno

"Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA." –Jay Leno

"Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts." –Jay Leno

"For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one." –Jay Leno

"Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something." –Bill Maher

"The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher, on the Secret Service prostitution scandal

"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher

"Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That's what you call a trade deficit." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Google, I am shocked. You stole people's personal information without their permission? That is Facebook's job!" –Jon Stewart