May 11, 2012

Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we're winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we're not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech." –Bill Maher

"Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

"And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his etch-a-sketch went, seriously?" –Bill Maher

"According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden's compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn't commit suicide." –Seth Meyers

"Mitt's wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there's another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace." –David Letterman

"We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden's compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty." –Jay Leno

"More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It's great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn't have ordered a hit. He would've canceled his healthcare." –Jay Leno

"Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I'm surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney's house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse." –Jay Leno

"My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants." –David Letterman

"Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he's not sure if he's going to run for re-election next year. He's said, 'I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer." –Conan O'Brien

"I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray." –David Letterman

"That Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here's an idea: stop being a prostitute. If you stop doing that, maybe your life will turn around." –Jay Leno

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom 'Will & Grace' made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French." –Conan O'Brien

"More details about the Secret Service scandal. The 'Today' show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid." –Jimmy Kimmel