May 18, 2012

"President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service – a place in America where prostitution is legal." –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon, concerned that it was spending too much money on studies, issued a study to study the studies. Unfortunately they ran out of money before the study could be completed, which, I guess, answers the question." –Jay Leno

"JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants." –David Letterman

"Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place." –David Letterman

"President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? — that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes. And today Mitt's dog said, 'I thought I had it bad." –Bill Maher

"I don't know what it's like at your salon, but at mine, isn't the guy cutting the hair the gay one?" –Bill Maher

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

"This week President Obama was finally outed as a Democrat." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with ABC News on Wednesday, President Obama said, 'It is important for me to affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.' OK buddy, we get it, you're not a Muslim." –Seth Meyers

“President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney's house. I had a hunch that the President was in town because on my way to work last night on Sunset Boulevard, I saw a Secret Service agent arguing with a hooker." –Jay Leno

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he's going to turn his birth certificate into a musical." –David Letterman

"President Obama's in town for a fundraiser. Forty grand a plate — because nothing says 'man of the people' like demanding 40 grand for some rubbery chicken." –Craig Ferguson

"Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that's not the Hollywood I know." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?" –Jay Leno

"Today Newt Gingrich didn't agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages." –Jay Leno

"A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick 'an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.' When he heard that, Joe Biden said, 'Thanks, I've already got a gig.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair " –Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn't even support same-sex car pools." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?" –David Letterman

"Ron Paul announced to supporters that he was discontinuing his campaign by email. There were two emails he sent out. The first one was blank and then he had to send out the other one." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City, they have a law now that if you're a police officer and you see somebody who looks suspicious, you can stop them and frisk them. And I thought, 'Well, now wait a minute, in New York City, everybody looks suspicious!'" –David Letterman

"Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he's dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama's new slogan, 'I'm Barack Obama, and I loved '50 Shades of Grey.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy." –Jay Leno

"The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called 'Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Obama went on 'The View.' He went on 'The View' because they're the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around." –Conan O'Brien

"As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, 'Now there's a sound investment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction." –Jimmy Fallon