"I hosted the
White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The
entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes
about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for
the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog,
dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"I was making
jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with
machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he
didn't get much of a reaction either. They're probably laughing on the
inside." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Strange
development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of
conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the
rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret
Service chaperones to make sure they don't get drunk and have sex?" –Jimmy
Kimmel
"We should make
the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and
will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body
on a prostitute." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow." –Jay Leno
"The Secret
Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him
formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service
protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth
it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him." –Jay
Leno
"President
Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan – 'Forward.' That's a good
message for Obama. He's telling voters, 'Whatever you do, don't look back at
all those campaign promises I made.'" –Jay Leno
"Here's a
little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first
president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul."
–Jay Leno
"According to
the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts
at Supercuts. The next haircut he's going to get in prison will be free."
–Jay Leno
"During a
speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college
or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That
should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney." –Jimmy Fallon
"A year ago
Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama
bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around
with hookers." –David Letterman
"So let me get
this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of
a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly
belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were
you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to
spike the football. Bush landed on a f%#ing aircraft carrier with a
football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even
started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's
Osama bin Laden ad
David Letterman's
"Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens"
10. "How's
puberty going?"
9. "Where do
you summer?"
8. "Do you
fellows play sportball?"
7. "Nice shirt
— you know, my friend owns the Gap"
6. "You teens
are just the right height"
5. "Check out
my sick Windsor knot"
4. "Would you
like to see my dancing horse?"
3. "Raise the
roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"
2. Just like this:
(video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")
1. "Didn't I
fire your father?"
"Romney is
going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris
Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban
American and a cubic American." –Bill Maher
"Mitt has to be
very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will
overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ
Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher
"The Census
Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40%
since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic,
and NBA player and Kardashian." –Conan O'Brien
"Happy birthday
to Jay Leno, who turns 62 tomorrow. If you would like to get Jay a gift, you
can't go wrong with giving him someone else's show." –David Letterman
"Newt Gingrich
is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich
will do. Well, right now he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt
Romney." –David Letterman
"They're
calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg." –David
Letterman
"After
appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most
televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, 'Dude, scale it
back!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Have you been
watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John
Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really
well with the Secret Service." –Jay Leno
"Newt Gingrich
is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential
race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to
gather a crowd." –Jay Leno
"Texas Governor
Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney
because out of the one candidate left, he's the best." –Conan O'Brien
"A college
student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of
days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney."
–Conan O'Brien
"Today is Bring
Your Child to Work Day — or as it's known at the iPad factory in China, Bring
Your Parents to Work Day." –Conan O'Brien
"Bring Your
Child to Work Day — that's how we got George W. Bush." –David Letterman
"Newt Gingrich
says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn't
that already the announcement? If you say next week I'll announce I'm dropping
out of the race, what's the point of having the announcement next week?"
–David Letterman
"Today Mitt
Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was
disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire
people." –Jimmy Fallon
"Today is Osama
bin Laden day. One year ago they got a hold of Osama bin Laden. Don't we
usually celebrate on a Monday?" –David Letterman
"Since Osama
bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged.
Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer
service." –David Letterman
"Occupy Wall
Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way
to the White House. It's not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just
ask Newt Gingrich." –Craig Ferguson
"German
authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie
that outline Al Qaeda's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the
first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot." –Jay Leno
Must See: Barack Obama at WH Correspondence
Dinner 2012:
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