June 29, 2012

"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that a record number of America's wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao." –Conan O'Brien

"There's this new movie out called "Machete" and in the film, Charlie Sheen has been cast to play the President of the United States. Charlie Sheen as President? Really? Don't you see Charlie as more of a Secret Service kind of guy?" –Jay Leno

"Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the 'Today' show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it's constitutional." –David Letterman

"Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair." –David Letterman

"A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn't know that meant flip-flopping." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, 'Fifty Shades of Change.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, 'The student has become the master.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he's too busy to comment because he's watching Telemundo and eating chalupas." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, 'The View' is now a radio show." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report found that President Obama's campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, 'I'm Barack Obama and I'm selling some old CDs on Craigslist.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just 31 percent of Americans said they would sit next to Romney on an airplane and 57 percent would rather sit next to president Obama — while 100 percent would want to watch them have to sit next to each other, just have them go at it." –Jimmy Fallon

"A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that for what you and I have. That's contempt FOR Congress." –Jay Leno

"With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That's kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts playing a rich white guy from Massachusetts." –Jay Leno

"How does that make John Kerry feel? Hey John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. You'd be perfect. Just be yourself." –Jay Leno

"Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said 'Leave me alone, I'm having a drink.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It's basically the president saying, “Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

June 22, 2012

"Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool." –Bill Maher

"Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children -- except it turned out they weren't Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, 'Enter around back.'" –Bill Maher

"Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment, and the Republicans of course say, 'This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'" –Bill Maher

"Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama's speech, Romney's bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge." –Bill Maher

"This really was the campaign in a nutshell. Talk about two divergent messages. They were doing this on the same day in the same state. Obama said, 'The Republicans drove the economy into the ditch and now I'm trying to drive it out.' And Romney said, 'Look, a black guy's stealing our car!" –Bill Maher

"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman

"They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself." –David Letterman

"There's talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marajuiana. Which explains why he's moving his family from the White House to White Castle." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they're not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It's now a gated community." –Jay Leno

"Federal prosecutors also announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he's available!" –Jay Leno

June 15, 2012

"President Obama's campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney's business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'" –David Letterman

"Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman

"There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night. They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech. He was just droning on." –Jay Leno

"There were some tense moments yesterday during President Obama's visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president's restricted air space can be penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000." –Jay Leno

"Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He's going to change the team's name to the New York Smirking Atheists." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for." –Jay Leno

"China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What's next, boxing?" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts"

"A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that Mitt Romney's economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney's plan wouldn't make any difference, Obama was like, 'Hey, that's MY thing!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay." –David Letterman

"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket." –David Letterman

"It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor." –Conan O'Brien

"The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he's gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Rand Paul...do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet... Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That's got to make for an awkward Father's Day this Sunday, doesn't it? "Hey pop, what do you want for Father's Day?" "I don't know; a little support might be nice!" –Jay Leno

"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." –Bill Maher

"Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music Television Awards. And I'm trying to figure out who has less in common with the country music fan, a Mormon who doesn’t' drink, or a black guy who's skinny." –Bill Maher

“This weekend President Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations." –Jay Leno

"In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, 'Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations.'" –Jay Leno

June 8, 2012

"It’s being reported that Mitt Romney's personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, 'Get with it, you old geezer!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a rumor that President Obama will stop by today's L.A. Kings hockey game. He doesn't want to draw attention to himself. He just wants to blend in with all the other black, Hawaiian hockey fans." –Conan O'Brien

"Governor Scott Walker won his recall last night in Wisconsin. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would have been a better closer than LeBron James?" –Jay Leno

"CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, 'an endangered species we have to protect.'" –Jay Leno

 "Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, 'And they said I can't connect with the poor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama gave Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. Makes sense – Bon Jovi’s living on a prayer, while Obama’s campaigning on one." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana – which explains why stoners are like, 'It's a cop. Hide most of the weed.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." –David Letterman

"Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years – or about the same time your 401(k) comes back." –Jay Leno

"The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn't creating job openings?" –Jay Leno

"Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt." –Jay Leno

"According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven't we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?" –Jay Leno

"It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself. She used a ghost skank." –Jay Leno

"Facebook may change its accounts policy and allow kids under 13 to join. Under 13. Yeah, when they heard this, Chinese officials said, 'Great. Now our workers will never get anything done.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president." –Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice – he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises." –Jimmy Fallon

June 1, 2012

"Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"As George Bush once said, 'Our kids is not learning.'" –Bill Maher

"A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney has begun vetting his vice presidential candidates. This is a tough thing because they want to appeal to the Republican base. They want a strong conservative there, but someone who will not upstage Mitt Romney. So the search is on for a strong conservative in a coma." –Bill Maher

"And they say they're not going to make the same mistake as they did last time. They're going to do a much more thorough job vetting than McCain did with you-know-who. They said this time they're going to ask probing questions like, 'Can you read? And 'How many fingers am I holding up?'" –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is trying to get the Latino vote ... He maintains he’s always had a great relationship with the Latinos in his life, as long as they don’t wake him up with the leaf blower." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original marriage certificate." –Bill Maher, counters "Birthers" by creating a Romney 'Wifer' controversy

"Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?" –Bill Maher

"A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn't our ally." –Jay Leno

"New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius." –Jay Leno

"Oh, Jon! Did I ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, plan to undermine the role of an independent press by constantly whining at any reportage that deviates from a staunch conservative narrative is biased, while at the same time filling the editorial vacuum that that creates by building a Conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise of a news organization... Jon, I'm gonna call the organization Fox News, and its tagline will be -- you're gonna love this: 'A Fanatically Micro-Managed Media Fiefdom Where My Own Far-Right Agenda And Personal Sense of Victimhood Drive Every Aspect of the Operation... and Balanced.'" –Jon Stewart, "recalling" a conversation with Fox News Chief Roger Ailes

"Mitt Romney pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will drive down unemployment to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well, it's easy enough to do; all he has to do is re-hire the people he already fired." –Jay Leno

"Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say 'The Hangover, Part III?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, 'I'm game!'" –Jimmy Fallon