"Mitt Romney
was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are
graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic
analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney." –Bill
Maher
"As George Bush
once said, 'Our kids is not learning.'" –Bill Maher
"A new
biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead …
Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent
his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been
pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair." –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney
has begun vetting his vice presidential candidates. This is a tough thing
because they want to appeal to the Republican base. They want a strong conservative
there, but someone who will not upstage Mitt Romney. So the search is on for a
strong conservative in a coma." –Bill Maher
"And they say
they're not going to make the same mistake as they did last time. They're going
to do a much more thorough job vetting than McCain did with you-know-who. They
said this time they're going to ask probing questions like, 'Can you read? And
'How many fingers am I holding up?'" –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney is
trying to get the Latino vote ... He maintains he’s always had a great
relationship with the Latinos in his life, as long as they don’t wake him up
with the leaf blower." –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney
comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not
saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon
compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original
marriage certificate." –Bill Maher, counters "Birthers" by
creating a Romney 'Wifer' controversy
"Why did Mitt
Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station
wagon was full of wives?" –Bill Maher
"A Pakistani
doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high
treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us.
Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn't our
ally." –Jay Leno
"New research
shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental.
In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as
driving 1,000 miles in a Prius." –Jay Leno
"Oh, Jon! Did I
ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, plan to undermine the role of an independent
press by constantly whining at any reportage that deviates from a staunch
conservative narrative is biased, while at the same time filling the editorial vacuum
that that creates by building a Conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise
of a news organization... Jon, I'm gonna call the organization Fox News, and
its tagline will be -- you're gonna love this: 'A Fanatically Micro-Managed
Media Fiefdom Where My Own Far-Right Agenda And Personal Sense of Victimhood
Drive Every Aspect of the Operation... and Balanced.'" –Jon Stewart,
"recalling" a conversation with Fox News Chief Roger Ailes
"Mitt Romney
pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will drive down unemployment
to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well, it's easy enough to do;
all he has to do is re-hire the people he already fired." –Jay Leno
"Next week Mitt
Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did
somebody say 'The Hangover, Part III?'" –Jimmy Fallon
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