June 15, 2012

"President Obama's campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney's business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'" –David Letterman

"Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman

"There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night. They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech. He was just droning on." –Jay Leno

"There were some tense moments yesterday during President Obama's visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president's restricted air space can be penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000." –Jay Leno

"Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He's going to change the team's name to the New York Smirking Atheists." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for." –Jay Leno

"China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What's next, boxing?" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts"

"A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that Mitt Romney's economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney's plan wouldn't make any difference, Obama was like, 'Hey, that's MY thing!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay." –David Letterman

"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket." –David Letterman

"It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor." –Conan O'Brien

"The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he's gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Rand Paul...do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet... Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That's got to make for an awkward Father's Day this Sunday, doesn't it? "Hey pop, what do you want for Father's Day?" "I don't know; a little support might be nice!" –Jay Leno

"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." –Bill Maher

"Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music Television Awards. And I'm trying to figure out who has less in common with the country music fan, a Mormon who doesn’t' drink, or a black guy who's skinny." –Bill Maher

“This weekend President Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations." –Jay Leno

"In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, 'Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations.'" –Jay Leno