June 22, 2012

"Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool." –Bill Maher

"Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children -- except it turned out they weren't Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, 'Enter around back.'" –Bill Maher

"Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment, and the Republicans of course say, 'This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'" –Bill Maher

"Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama's speech, Romney's bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge." –Bill Maher

"This really was the campaign in a nutshell. Talk about two divergent messages. They were doing this on the same day in the same state. Obama said, 'The Republicans drove the economy into the ditch and now I'm trying to drive it out.' And Romney said, 'Look, a black guy's stealing our car!" –Bill Maher

"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman

"They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself." –David Letterman

"There's talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marajuiana. Which explains why he's moving his family from the White House to White Castle." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they're not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It's now a gated community." –Jay Leno

"Federal prosecutors also announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he's available!" –Jay Leno