June 29, 2012

"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that a record number of America's wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao." –Conan O'Brien

"There's this new movie out called "Machete" and in the film, Charlie Sheen has been cast to play the President of the United States. Charlie Sheen as President? Really? Don't you see Charlie as more of a Secret Service kind of guy?" –Jay Leno

"Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the 'Today' show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it's constitutional." –David Letterman

"Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair." –David Letterman

"A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn't know that meant flip-flopping." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, 'Fifty Shades of Change.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, 'The student has become the master.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he's too busy to comment because he's watching Telemundo and eating chalupas." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, 'The View' is now a radio show." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report found that President Obama's campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, 'I'm Barack Obama and I'm selling some old CDs on Craigslist.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just 31 percent of Americans said they would sit next to Romney on an airplane and 57 percent would rather sit next to president Obama — while 100 percent would want to watch them have to sit next to each other, just have them go at it." –Jimmy Fallon

"A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that for what you and I have. That's contempt FOR Congress." –Jay Leno

"With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That's kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts playing a rich white guy from Massachusetts." –Jay Leno

"How does that make John Kerry feel? Hey John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. You'd be perfect. Just be yourself." –Jay Leno

"Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said 'Leave me alone, I'm having a drink.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It's basically the president saying, “Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'" –Conan O'Brien