June 8, 2012

"It’s being reported that Mitt Romney's personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, 'Get with it, you old geezer!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a rumor that President Obama will stop by today's L.A. Kings hockey game. He doesn't want to draw attention to himself. He just wants to blend in with all the other black, Hawaiian hockey fans." –Conan O'Brien

"Governor Scott Walker won his recall last night in Wisconsin. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would have been a better closer than LeBron James?" –Jay Leno

"CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, 'an endangered species we have to protect.'" –Jay Leno

 "Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, 'And they said I can't connect with the poor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama gave Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. Makes sense – Bon Jovi’s living on a prayer, while Obama’s campaigning on one." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana – which explains why stoners are like, 'It's a cop. Hide most of the weed.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." –David Letterman

"Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years – or about the same time your 401(k) comes back." –Jay Leno

"The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn't creating job openings?" –Jay Leno

"Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt." –Jay Leno

"According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven't we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?" –Jay Leno

"It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself. She used a ghost skank." –Jay Leno

"Facebook may change its accounts policy and allow kids under 13 to join. Under 13. Yeah, when they heard this, Chinese officials said, 'Great. Now our workers will never get anything done.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president." –Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice – he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises." –Jimmy Fallon