July 27, 2012

"Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new." –Jay Leno

"The apartment that President Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term." –Jay Leno

"A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress." –Jay Leno

"The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It's gotten so bad that Mitt Romney's butler let his butler go." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon

"The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman

"President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs." –Jay Leno

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what's really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported than Mitt Romney's campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. We are their Mexico now it turns out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful." –Jay Leno

"The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie." –Jay Leno

"Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is in London. … When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money." –David Letterman

July 20, 2012

"In his new campaign ad, President Obama asks, 'What is Mitt Romney hiding?' My guess: a personality." –Jay Leno

"During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can makes jokes." –Jay Leno

"North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country’s military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"We're learning more and more about this guy Kim Jong-Un. New vicious, evil dictator of North Korea. Quite a . . . Apparently quite a ladies' man. For a long time he was known as Kim Jong Clooney." –David Letterman

"Batman is a billionaire who doesn't trust the system to get the job done. He has a butler and an awesome car that gets like two miles to the gallon. He is the most republican superhero of all time! Batman is a republican." –Craig Ferguson

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing." –Jay Leno

"You know anything about North Korea? The evil North Koreans? They have a new evil dictator. But the kid is like 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend. I mean a stunning, lovely girlfriend and they met through the North Korean dating service match.commie." –David Letterman

"In 2012 I realized the company I was CEO of in 1999 did things that would hurt my presidential run in the present, so I retroactively wasn't there." –Jon Stewart, mocking Mitt Romney's "retroactive retirement" from Bain Capital

"I was just the guy with the smoke screenish, yet still legal title of CEO and Managing Director who was paid at least $100,000 a year to do what, according to me, Mitt Romney, was nothing. That’s the kind of common sense business experience I hope to bring to the White House." –Jon Stewart

"On Friday Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mitt Romney. They talked about politics, foreign policy, and what it's like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform." –Jay Leno

"Critics are saying these Chinese uniforms are un-American. Have you looked around America lately? Cheap crap made in China. That's what we're wearing. Does it get any more American than that? " –Jay Leno

"We have American athletes in uniforms made in China, wearing French berets. I don't know if we're supposed to compete, ask for a loan or surrender." –Jay Leno

"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part." –Jay Leno

July 13, 2012

"Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white." –Jay Leno

"In Mexico, the loser of their presidential election is accusing the winner of election fraud. He says the winner bought millions of votes. To which Mitt Romney said, 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

"The American League was defeated 8-0. The American League also lost the 2011 All-Star Game as well as the 2010 All-Star Game. Under President Obama, America's own league is on a losing streak. Mitt Romney will fix the American League and make it competitive again." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don't know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's now a big controversy after a liberal group made a video saying Mitt Romney is too white for black people. Too white for black people? Mitt is too white for white people." –Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs" –Jay Leno

"The record-breaking heat wave hitting the rest of the country is now hitting Los Angeles. I was sweating like President Obama trying to spin the latest unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot, Eric Holder was smuggling water pistols." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot, immigrants were crossing the border on Slip 'n' Slides." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn't know where his financial records are because he doesn't manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he's the perfect guy to fix the economy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else's marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

"Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he's just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That's it, 'F**k you all. I'm just not doing it.' So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you're going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money." –Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

"They shouldn’t be so sad, the Supreme Court also had a ruling this week that was somewhat in their favor. In the Arizona immigration case they did rule that the police can consider you suspicious down there if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an alien." –Bill Maher

"I secretly want Romney to win because, look, I'm a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as President, it's like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war." –Bill Maher

"Now, many Republicans of course want Naugahyde beanbag chair and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as Mitt's second in command. And it's hard to look at him and not think, number two." –Bill Maher

"So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box. what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012? It's unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, 'I think the black guy's up to no good.' –Bill Maher

"But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President? Mitt Romney. That's right, Mitt. Yourself! Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you. (audience applause) I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it's gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan's Law, the infield fly rule. OK, forget that one." –Bill Maher

"Last night was the big annual congressional baseball game between the Democrats and Republicans, and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won. Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts." –Jay Leno

"The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, 'Is this Hell?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it." –Jay Leno

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they'd see there's no jobs and they'd go home." –Jay Leno

"It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling – while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face." –Jimmy Fallon

"Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes." –Craig Ferguson

"A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, 'Please do not lump us in with those maniacs.'" –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn't like an 'S.O.B.' Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a 'B.L.T.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool." –David Letterman